


It's Just a Bunch of Hocus Pocus

by boolucole



Category: Hocus Pocus (1993)
Genre: #No M-rated dares so far, #Sorry if it isn't, #Supposed to be funny, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2016-07-25
Packaged: 2018-01-09 07:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 24,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boolucole/pseuds/boolucole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 1697, three witches were hanged for their crimes. In 1997, they were vanquished once again by three kids and a cat. Now they, along with those kids, are brought forward for the most challenging thing they've faced yet.</p><p>A Truth or Dare fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Contestants Arrive

There was darkness. Complete, utter, enveloping darkness. And then, there was light. No apparent source, no little lamps standing anywhere, but a slight glow faded in from…everywhere. And then the source _was_ apparent, for though there was light, nobody could see through the mist that seemed to permeate every available space. There was no exit in sight, because there were no walls, and so there was nothing to exit. But suddenly, a golden beam of light flashed down from the sky, and from within this light emerged a teenager. He was short, about 5'3, with spiky brown hair and sea blue eyes. He surveyed the audience with an almost bored expression, raising a disappointed eyebrow at the meager gathering, then pulled out a glowing purple sphere and dropped it. When it struck the ground it shattered, but not into shards. It shattered into smoke, gathering into a cloud that quickly dispersed to reveal a girl. She was also about 5'3, with jet black hair that had highlights of gold and eyes of purest emerald. She gave the audience a dazzling smile.

The boy smiled a bit at her in greeting, then turned back to the audience and announced grandly, "Greetings to thee! I am Phoenix. You are here today to witness the completely legal and not-at-all  morally ambiguous game of Truth or Dare, starring the cast of Hocus Pocus. Joining me as a hostess is none other than May Tanaka. Now, without further...wait. We can't start without players. I don't suppose you could...?"

Phoenix trailed off in question, but May understood. She started singing in a flowing, beautifully legato voice, imbuing it with an almost commanding compulsion.  
  
" _Come little victims,_  
I'll take thee away,  
Into a land of Truth or Dare,

 _Come little victims,_  
The time's come to play,  
Here in our magical lair."

And with that short little ditty she was done, but what an effect it had. Everyone in the audience, including Phoenix, had a vacant look on their faces and eyes glazed over with magic. May gave a tiny grin and sat down in a quickly-conjured armchair, waving her hand for a cup of tea and pulling a book out of nothing. Five minutes later a swirling green portal opened up in the air, behind which chanting could be heard in an arcane language. The words are pure nonsense, but behind the voices there was something…darker. More primal.  
  
Ancient.  
  
The portal slowly lowered to the ground and cleared, revealing three women. Winifred had red curly hair and big front teeth, with brown eyes and long nails. She was wearing a green cloak with a green dress and green and beige stockings. To her right was Mary, dark eyes and a sideways mouth, a little on the chubby side with black wavy hair. Finally to Winnie’s left was Sarah, a thin, beautiful witch with blonde wavy hair, blue eyes, and a purple dress. Their eyes as well were hazed over with magic, May’s spell leading them through the portal to wait for the other contestants.  
  
They didn't have to wait long, for two minutes later came Max Dennison, a gangly teenager with straight brown hair reaching just below the middle of his ear. He was wearing a brown jacket over a dark green shirt with brown pants on. Behind him, his 9-year-old sister Dani followed, sporting dirty blonde hair and hazel eyes, dressed in a simple purple dress. Next was Allison, another teenager with deep brown eyes and straight blonde hair that reached just below the base of her neck. She was wearing a white shirt with faded blue jeans. And finally was Billy Butcherson, a green-skinned, straggly-haired zombie, whose stitches were still embedded in his lips.  
  
As soon as they were all inside the portal closed, and the vacant look vanished from everyone’s eyes. Dani looked around and gasped, tugging on her brother’s sleeve and immediately pointing the Sisters out to him.

His eyes narrowed as he promptly pulled out a container of salt, darting forward quickly to trace a circle around the sisters. Allison gave him a questioning look, but Max merely shrugged and asked, "You didn't think I'd go around without protection, did you? I mean, who said that the Sanderson Sisters were the only witches who could come back? Or maybe they'd make another deal with the devil. This is _Salem._ ", but then he took a look around and added hesitantly, "I think...". Then everyone took a good look at the mist covered field, for the first time beginning to wonder where they were. Dani put her hand down to touch the ground, but she snatched it back pretty quickly when it went right through.  
  
“It’s wet.”, she said shakily, “And whispy, and kinda fluffy, like a…”. She trailed off as her eyes went wide, and with a quick glance around she finished, “Like a cloud.”.  
  
All the participants froze and grew wide-eyed, slowly looking around to try and locate an edge. When they didn’t succeed, they all took a deep breath and plunged their heads through the ground...only to see the lights of Salem far below them. They could see the forest, and the Sister's cottage in the middle.

They pulled their heads up to see Phoenix and May giving them amused looks. Max stormed up to them and demanded in a deadly tone, "Where are we and why are we here?". Phoenix gave him a lazy smile and took a pocket watch out of his jeans, glancing at it before answering, “We’re hovering two thousand feet above Salem, Massachusetts, and you are all here to participate in a giant game of Truth or Dare.".  
  
Ignoring the cast’s distressed noises and girlish shrieking (“Shut _up_ , Max!”), Phoenix smiled at the audience once more and said simply, “We can't start without thee. Comment with your Truths and Dares, please.”. 


	2. The Emerald Comet

An expanse of clouds is all anyone could see for miles. Then nine beds came into view, rising and falling as the clouds did. On them rested Billy Butcherson, Winnie, Sarah, and Mary Sanderson, Max and Dani Dennison, Allison whatever-her-last-name-is, and May Tanaka. The contestants and co-host awakened groggily, immediately notice their host Phoenix is missing. "Maybe he fell of the clouds to his doom.", Winnie suggested hopefully, but her hopes would soon be dashed.  
  
Suddenly, Dani cried out in shock and pointed up into the sky. The eight humans-yes, Billy is still a human, just a dead one-looked up and took notice of the green star still glowing in the sunrise. A further investigation revealed that it was heading straight for them. A section of Cloud raised itself and the cast raced behind it, awaiting the impending doom that was speeding towards them. A barrier shimmered into visibility in front of the panicking audience, completely see-through and perfect for spectators.   
  
The comet drew closer and closer, growing ever larger, until finally it crashed with a deafening _BOOM!_ As the clouds settled back into their earlier ground-like state, the cast came out from behind the cloud barrier and approached the hole. Cloud had stretched and bended to be exactly like real ground, so what they saw was a huge impact crater. From this giant hole strolled Phoenix, no visible scratches whatsoever, not even a bruise.   
  
He greeted the dumbfounded cast cheerily, pushing Max’s jaw up and shooing away some flies that had wandered too close to Allison’s before holding up a glowing green orb with strange golden symbols on it. He smiled evilly at the contestants and the audience before announcing, "Behold! Our first review! It comes from SunRise19, and as our first reviewer, she shall be included in the Truth or Dare next chapter, if she so chooses. If not, the honor goes to the next reviewer, and so on and so forth. The reason, "he added, as Winnie opened her mouth to add her opinion," she would want to come to this fic, my dubious friend, is that she would be able to torture you any way she desires. Now, without further ado, the review. SunRise19 writes...",and at this, he whirled around and hurled the glowing orb as hard as he could. It burst on contact, spilling out a mysterious golden liquid organized itself into the review, reading:

_Aww, no reviews? That's horible! This is really neat and it's never been done so yea for originality! :)_

_Ok..hmm, *thinks*_

_Off the top of my head.._

_1\. Truth, why did Sarah sleep with Billy? How'd you seduce him to betray Winnie like that?_

_2\. Why did Winnie punish Billy for that sin, but not Sarah?_

_3\. Allison, why did you refuse to light the candle? Is it cause you really believed they'd come back or you, "Couldn't," light it?_

_Hmm..Dares? Trying to think of something fun or funny..._

_I dare Winnie to say something nice about each member of the cast! Ha, can she do it?_

_Okay, I know you and your friend are writing this but here are my ideas..I hope this helps and I hope you update ASAP! :)_

After everyone had read it, the golden liquid dropped through the clouds and landed on the head of a very misfortunate 13-year-old girl named Corona Berkawits. Now, even though Corona was walking to school on a hot and sunny day, she should have been prepared for a mysterious golden liquid dropping out of nowhere and ruin her perfect hair. I meant, what kid _doesn’t_ prepare for these kinds of things on picture day?  
  
Anyways, Sarah and Winnie were fighting (or should I say that Winnie was strangling Sarah, and Sarah was clawing at Winnie's hands?)because they were reminded of that, ahem, particular situation, and Allison was desperately trying to avoid Max, who was chasing her and demanding an answer. The rest of the cast snickered at their misfortune until they got bored, at which point Phoenix clapped his hands twice.   
  
Max, Sarah, Winnie, and Allison all freeze, and Sarah is magicked out of Winnie's grasp. Everyone else except May is frozen and placed in a line, four feet away from Phoenix and May. "In order, I think." Phoenix stated, and Sarah was drawn forward. Her head was freed and May repeated helpfully, "Remeber,your truth is,’Why did you sleep with Billy, and how did you seduce him to betray Winnie like that?’". Sarah shook her head resolutely and declared stubbornly, "I'm not telling you anything!".  
  
Phoenix glanced at May before going up and whispering something in Sarah's ear. He nodded at Sarah and went back to his position, gesturing at the witch. "I slept with Billy because he was a handsome guy, and I like handsome guys. As to the betrayal...",at this point she put on a sly grin,"...I just played a little 'game' with him.".   
  
Everyone shuddered except Sarah, who was off in another dream world.   
  
"Alright you little urchin," Winnie suddenly spat at Phoenix,", how'd you get her to talk? Poison? Freedom? A chance in bed?". He held up three fingers as he went along the list, "Nope, nope, eeewwww. I just told her she didn't have to tell me anything, just the answer.". Winnie narrowed her eyes at an oblivious Sarah. Phoenix snapped his fingers in front of her face to get her attention and held up a queue card with Winnie's truth on it, the redhead raising an eyebrow before answering, "Because I need her for our magic to work. Have you ever seen one of us cast a spell by ourselves?". Phoenix thought about this for a moment before saying, “In your cottage, when you magicked Max to the wall?”, but Winnie explained, “They were near enough to draw from their power.”.   
  
Phoenix made a noise of understanding before turning to Allison, who gaped at the neon sign with her truth on it hanging above Phoenix for a moment. "I just didn't want the sisters to come back! You know how much I believe the legends about Halloween. Yea, that's it.", she finished quietly, eyes shifting back and forth nervously. Phoenix raised an eyebrow skeptically but let it go for now, turning back to Winnie and tapping her dare out in Morse code on her head. A helpful scribe demon translates and gives to Winnie, who reads it quickly before putting on an obviously strained smile and yelling, "Your life forces would all taste delicious!".   
  
She nodded to Phoenix and laid back down on her bed, everyone staring at her a minute before Phoenix said to the audience, "O...kay...well, that's the only review we got today, and thanks to SunRise19 for sending it to us, but now we must bid you all goodbye.", to which Jennette Mcurdy flew in on a carrot hang-glider and pressed a button on the belly of a green hamster, causing a resounding _Aaawwww_ to sound from thin air. She then promptly burst into flames.   
  
Phoenix looked at the others and asked kind of desperately, "Okay you all saw that, right? It wasn't just me?",and everyone nodded in a relieved fashion. Phoenix turned back to the camera and continued, "Well, sorry for such a short chapter, but we only got one review, so if you want longer chapters, review. Ta!”.


	3. Body Switching and Books

Phoenix stretched and rubbed his eyes as a bird lands on the headboard of his bed, chirping at him cutely. He smiled a bit and pulls a piece of bread from nothing, ripping it to crumbs and throwing them out into cloud. He stretched once more and pulled his laptop into existence, booting it up and checking an odd program that didn’t seem to have the text in English. A few moments of silence, and then…  
  
"WE HAVE A REVIEW!"  
  
Everybody screamed in surprise as their beds catapulted them forward, Cloud trying to make their landings as soft as possible. They slowly rose with gallons of grumbling, protesting heavily but standing in a line all the same as a hologram of a creepy little British girl appeared and relayed the review.

 

_1\. Truth: Why did the Devil give Winnie the book and not the others? If they were all equal peers then they should all have a book, but they don't. Only Winnie does, so what did you do to get that book?_   
  
_2: Dare: I dare the sisters to swap bodies for the next two dares. Put a truth spell on them all so if someone lies then they blurt out a very embarrassing secret about themselves._

 

The AI British girl disappeared, and once she did Max said in a sing-song voice, "Cree-py.". The girl promptly reappeared and screamed, "I HEARD THAT!", and Max reeled back in shocked surprise. Phoenix rolled his eyes in amusement and snapped his fingers, placing the truth spell on the Sisters. Then he snapped his fingers again, and Winnie convulsed, trying to fight the magic. Phoenix was too powerful, however, and a green stream of light shot out of her mouth, headed for Sarah's body, whose spirit was headed for Mary's body, whose spirit was, in turn, headed for Winnie’s body.  
  
They slammed into their new bodies at the exact same time, throwing themselves off each other’s feet and shaking a bit as they assumed control of their new bodies. They picked themselves up unsteadily, almost falling down on several occasions, but they at last managed to stand up and stay there. "I hate you Enchanter.", said Winnie's voice, coming from Sarah's body, but Phoenix merely smiled at her and said, "That’s nice. Now, why did the Devil only give you a book and not the others?".  
  
"Easy. Imagine these two with a book of their own.", Winnie said matter-of-factly, initiating mental pictures of humans and animals boiling in cauldrons while a long line of men stretched down to the horizon from the Sanderson's house, screams mingling in the air. "That, and I threatened to sing Disney if he didn't give me the book.", Winnie said with a shudder.  
  
"Disney, mmm? Oh, uh, review please.”, Phoenix said distractedly as he tapped away on his computer in thought.

 


	4. Mice, Creepy Elmos, and Name Changes

The Cullens appeared on Cloud that day, much to the chagrin of the viewers, who were questioning how they got there when they weren’t screaming, "OUR EYES! THEY BLEED!".   
  
Cue Phoenix running onto Cloud from stage left, waving a broom and shouting madly, "GET OUTA HERE YOU SO CALLED VAMPIRES!". Most of the Cullens screeched at him and dove off Cloud, but Emmett stayed and tried to initiate a fight. He was whapped in the face with the business end of Phoenix’s broom for his trouble, but he only left when Phoenix shouted, “I will send a postcard to Bella telling her you got trounced by a mortal with a broom!”.   
  
Phoenix sighed in aggravation as the break in Cloud closed before he turned to check on the cast. The competitors were rocking back and forth on their beds, muttering about sparkles, but with a few whaps from a broom they snapped out of it. They all sprang to their feet and methodically burned all Twilight books in sight, the ashes flying into the air to form the truths and dares sent by Fire15Death.  
  
 **Well this needs some more fun.**

**Max: I have found out why your girlfriend didn't light the candle. She is not a virgin.**

**Dani: You are a cute little girl. I give you the power over light and fire.*does spell to give powers***

**Witch sisters: Yes I have magic. I fact...*turns them into mice* This is better that the Elmo pit. Trust me.**

**Elmo-*in pit* No one will pway with me.*looks at you and turns head 360 degrees around* WILL YOU PWAY WITH ME?**

**May: Candy eating contest with me.**

**Pheinic: Can you make your name easier to say like flaming death? And float in the air kick a hated character in the face while juggling bowling balls and let them drop on the victim.**

**Billy: I give you revenge on the sisters. Tie them up so I can play Rebecca Blacks Friday on repeat once they are in a different room.**

**Later.*fades in the light to go somewhere else***  
  
Phoenix clenched his teeth and ground out, "Okay, ignoring the _blatant_ misspelling of my name. . . Max! Your take on this? . . . Max? Where'd he go? ". Everybody pointed to two figures in the distance, which turned out to be Max and Allison. Max was chasing the poor blond-haired girl and shouting something along the lines of, "Get back here, Allison! I want some answers! ANSWERS,I SAY!", and Allison was just screaming nonstop.   
  
Phoenix blinked a couple times before prompting, "Moving on! Dani?". The girl was giggling as she temporarily blinded Max to give Allison time to escape, and as she passed the girl yelled, "Thanks!". The Sisters promptly turned into mice, who then were placed in a maze by a laughing May. Phoenix snickered at the witches’ predicament until he almost fell into the pit, and what he glimpsed down there disturbed him and possibly fractured his mind. “DANI!",he yelled, and the girl promptly hurled an explosive fireball into the pit that completely annihilated the Freaky Elmo.  
  
Fire15death appeared in a blaze of fire, all brown eyes and black hair, wearing a purple track suit. She and May started gobbling immense piles of candy that appeared from nowhere, and four hours later, May sighed in defeat, pushing the plate of candy away with only a single piece of candy still on it.  
  
Fire laughed in joy as she swallowed the last piece of her candy, pumping her fists in the air and shouting, "OWNED!", as she began dancing in victory. Phoenix, now known as Death, waved his hand at the celebrating girl, causing her to return to where she came from.   
  
Death turned Winnie back into a human and flounced cheerily up to her cheerily (in Sarah's body). He floated up into the air as a pair of steel-toed boots appeared on his feet. He then began juggling some bowling balls as he kicked her in the face. Repeatedly. **_Hard_**. He laughed as he dropped the bowling balls on her, her body collapsing into blessed unconsciousness as the others laughed as well (oh, she’s _fine_ ). Death lowered himself to the ground and snapped his fingers, sending the Sisters to an alternate dimension that had nothing but white emptiness and the nasally voice of Rebecca Black singing ‘Friday’ on repeat.


	5. Halloween Again

Salem is quiet this night, all the children snug in their beds and all the parents oblivious to the mayhem that will ensue in jut a few short hours. However, high above the moonlit streets of the infamous town, the peace is about to be disturbed.  
  
The cast is situated in their usual positions on the beds, chatting quietly about ways to escape and eyeing a reading May. None of them notice the small orbs floating above each of their heads, but then, none of them noticed what day it was either. Nothing remarkable happened for some time save quiet muttering and the slow turning of pages, until of course...Max's watch hit 12:00 am.   
  
"Happy Halloween!",Phoeni shrieked as he jumped up from behind Dani’s bed, the cast yelping in surprise at their childish host. The Sisters glanced at each other as they caught their breath before allowing a sly, creepy grin to inch over their faces. Max and Dani catch the smiles and glance at each other mischeviously, oblivious to Phoenix's eye roll and May’s small smile of amusement.   
  
"Okay,let's focus.", Phoenix commanded,clapping his hands, "Since SunRise19 was the first to review, she gets to join you all. Now, I don't know how she reacts to you all yet,so I am going to assume she loves Max, Dani, Allison, Thackery, and Billy, and hates the Sisters, m'kay? M'kay. So,without further ado, here's SunRise19. Otherwise known as Anne.".  
  
He waves his arm and Anne appears in a burst of orange light, 5'2'' with sparkling blue eyes the color of ice. She has shiny, mid-back length brown hair and she's wearing a billowing black cloak with a silver fastening. Underneath she has a midnight blue dress and pointy, midnight blue shoes with white buttons. Phoenix narrowed his eyes at her playfully and quoted,"Never trust a girl wearing pointy shoes. Especially ones with buttons made of human bone.", before waving his arm again.  
  
The cast of Yugioh appeared, much to the witches‘ confusion, and as the seven picked themselves up Phoenix explained, “Everyone, this is Yugi, Tea, Joey, Tristen, Seto, Mokuba and Bakura. They’ll be joining us this evening.“.   
  
"Uhm, where are we?", Yugi asked tentatively as the others fought about what to do, but they all froze when Phoenix replied casually,"A Truth or Dare fic.". They all groaned in exaggerated exasperation at the words, Kaiba and Joey beginning to argue over who caused them to be chosen and Tristen simply shaking his head sadly.   
  
"Another one?“, Tea began in a whining voice, then sighed and continued cheerfully, “Well, if we all believe in-", but Phoenix interrupted with, "Say friendship and I will throw you off this cloud.". Tea ganced over at him, the continued as if he hadn’t spoken, "If we all believe in the Heart of the Cards, we can get through this.". Phoenix quirked an eyebrow at her odd-sounding word choice but didn’t comment.   
  
The Animes all sweat dropped as they sat down on air,matter expanding from their clothes as beds took shape for them. Phoenix smiled and said,"Now that we're all here, we can get started. Now, Max, what are you going to be for Halloween?". Max blinked at the impromptu question but didn’t hesitate as he said, "Asorcerer. Not to be a copycat or anything.". Phoenix smiled and made a gesture towards him.   
  
The orb above his head flashed and turned all sparkly, glowing golden flecks on a purple backround. The orb floated down and, with a slight beep, splatted onto his chest, expanding over his clothes to transform them into the long, flowy, traditional sorcerer outfit.  
  
Phoenix turned to Allison and raised an eyebrow at her, and the girl glanced at Max before saying,"Xena the Warrior Princess.".  
  
Everyone bursts out laughing save Allison and Dani.  
  
"What did the poor boy ever do to y-you?",Phoenix gasped, and in answer Allison gestured to him. "Who's Xena the Warrior Princess?", Max asked, a confused look on his face, and Phoenix promptly stopped laughing. “I see.”, he said, snapping his fingers.

The sphere flashed once before cracking itself on Allison’s head like an egg, dumping a pile of sparkly glitter onto her. Allison vanished and reappeared wearing the costume, causing Max to faint. A few minutes later Yugi was dressed as Link ("His name is Celtic Guardian!"), Tea as Dark Magician Girl, Joey as Seto Kaiba, Seto as a dog, Mokuba as Harry Potter, Anne as Misty, Billy as himself, Dani as the witch she was last year, and Bakura as Billy Raven, who was whispering to Kaiba as they both glanced occasionally at Joey.   
  
Phoenix claped his hands again and announced,"Alright, now that we're all in our costumes, I apply some time magic, and...“, and after a quick jump forward in time, he yelled, “LET'S GO GET SOME CANDY!". Everybody cheered before they all dove off the cloud.   
  
Phoenix's powers kept him aloft, May clutching his chest, while Max and Dani's costumes kept them up. Allison fell past them, her whip snaking around Max's leg as he descended,and once she was secure she started laughing at Joey, whose ears were helicoptoring above him and occasionally whipping him in the face. Yugi Hookshotted Max's other leg and Tea rode in the helicoptor Joey called in with him and Kaiba. Mokuba flew by on a broomstick, brandishing a stick wildly and laughing insanely, while Anne and Bakura glide down on a Pidgeotto.   
  
They all touched down on the northern part of the city, and after a quick head count Phoenix looked around and asked,"Where are the Sisters?". As an answer, the door of the house next to them opened with a ding to reveal the Sisters stepping out of an elevator. They were all eating caramel apples, and as they approached the group Winnie asked,"What is this sticky substance coating these apples?".  "Caramel.", Phoenix answered with a raised eyebrow, and the three of them looked at each other before Mary said,"Well,now we know there's _one_ thing good about this century.". The other two nod in agreement.  
  
Phoenix gave everybody a garbage bag and explained,"These link directly to the beds. Once it's full, just say 'Candy, candy, weight that's dead, go directly to my bed‘. O.k? We'll meet back here at midnight to plan our next move. Go!", then warped over to a house, Dani and Max following him. Yugi Hookshotted doorknobs, railings, trees and even cars to get around. Allison just ran while Tea glided over the ground beside her, trying to beat Joey's blue-eyes-white-dragon-shaped electric scooter. Kaiba loped over the lawns, garbage bag in his mouth,while Anne, Bakura, and Mokie teleported with the help of Anne's Abra.

 

Six hours later everyone was back in front of the elevator house, just finishing saying the sending spell. Phoenix flashed everyone back to Cloud and created special drawers that raise and lower the bottom depending on how much candy is in there. He turned around to see Bakura trying to steal some Skittles and made it so that only the person the drawer belongs to can open it. He then warped everyone to Vancouver, where it was only 6 o'clock, and told everyone to repeat the process.  
  
Eighteen hours and three states later Halloween was finally over, and everone was back on Cloud going through their candy. Dani was in the middle of deciding what she wanted in exchange for a pack of Skittles the size of a blowup pool ("Come ON! My spirit may be immortal,but I don't have all day!") when she looked up,whipped around, and asked in alarm,"Where are the Sisters?".   
  
Everybody froze.  
  
"I haven't seen them since Salem.", Yugi said slowly, confused at the fear he saw in the eyes of the original cast, but instead of answering, Max, Dani, and Allison only stare at each other in abject horror before grabbing Phoenix and diving down to Salem again.   
  
What they saw was frightening, to say the least. A long line of people extended over the length of the city. And where was the front of that line,you ask? Well,it could have been anywhere. It coud have been at a house giving away money because they ran out of candy. It could have been a portal to heaven. But no, it just _had_ to be the Sisters' house, multicolored smoke rising from the chimeny just like it was all those years ago. Phoenix immediately dove straight down, crashing through the roof to find the Sisters with the ghost of Thackery in front of them, cringing while fur grew around his eyes.   
  
"Oh, come ON!",Phoenix yelled exasperatedly,"Three hundred years couldn't have given you some new spells to try?“. Sighing in disappointment, he lamented, “Oh well,you know what they say. You can't teach an old...old, old, extremely old dog new tricks.", and through his pain, Thackery chuckled.   
  
Winnie growled and zapped Phoenix with a spark of control magic, grinning wolfishly as she pointed to a hole in the floor filled with boiling water. Phoenix crossed his arms, duly unimpressed, and rolled his eyes as he asked,"Was that supposed to do something,or...?". When none of them answered, he lifted all three Sisters up in the air and started lecturing.  
  
"Now you listen to me. You will come back to Cloud, give Thackery the eternal rest he so rightfully deserves, and only try to kill Max once a week. Got it!?", Phoenix demanded, to which the witches yelled, "NEVER!". Phoenix sighed, closing his eyes in thought, and after a moment the corner of his mouth twitched and he said,"Oh all right,you three win.".  
  
The Sisters blinked in surprise.   
  
"I'll just return you to Hell.“, Phoenix continued, opening a portal to the fiery depths of said Hell. The witches cheered in victory, but before Phoenix can send them down a beep was heard. “Oh, hold on.“, he said apologetically, taking his phone out and reading the text. “Oh, it’s a text from Satan. ‘New punishment for witches, never guess what it is‘.", he read out, raising an eyebrow as he replied out loud, “Red hot pokers shoved in uncomfortable places?“. Seconds later he had a reply.  
  
“‘No, that’s level three. Level one is now mandatory marathons of Disney.‘“, he read, and the effect was immediate.   
  
Max staggered back a few steps, gasping and clutching his chest, Allison took out a knife and tried to slit her wrists (and failed), and Dani grabbed her stomach and keeled over, writhing on the floor. "Dani thinks her soul just imploded.", Winnie said mildly as she tries desperately to close the Hell portal behind her back,and Phoenix grinned with a wicked air before asking,"Oh,really? What happened to 'the girl',eh Winnie? Now it's Dani? Could it be that you're actually growing ... _fond_ of one of the Dennisons!?".  
  
And that was the day everyone present learned it actually _is_ possible to have your head spontaneously explode.  
  
Phoenix sighed and ported everyone back to Cloud.


	6. Vampires and Slapping

One of the tentacles wrapped itself around Death and flung him through the air, sending him crashing down to a soft landing. It _was_ Cloud, after all. He jumped back up and hurled himself back at the wavey-armed freak, screaming unintelligibly. A tentacle simply batted him away to land in front of Dani, who was reclining peacefully on a lounge chair. "Ya know, this would be a lot easier with some help...",he tried, looking up at Dani with pleading eyes. She blinked down at him, unamused, then sighed and snapped her fingers. The tentacles caught on fire and retreated as their owner screeched in pain.  
  
Huffing, Death got up and said irritably, "Thank you! Now, on a completely unrelated note, we've finally got reviews.". The cast groaned. "Two of them!", he exclaimed, and the cast groaned even louder. Chuckling darkly, he twisted the sunlight together to form a Hard Light Bridge. A further snap of his fingers caused both reviews to carve themselves out of the hardened energy.  
  
 ** _Okay make Thackery back and then he asks embarrassing questions like to Winnie when were you born and also to Dani do you have a crush on me and then keep him asking these kind of questions for a couple more chapters and if I get to be in the story I appear when he appears and I'm chatting to him. PM if you need to know what I look like. :) THAKERY  
  
_** Death blinked, then snapped his fingers again, and the unintelligible review rearranged itself into:  
  
 ** _Bring Thackery back to life and have him ask embarrassing questions to everybody. Like Winnie, when were you born? And Dani, do you have a crush on me? If I get to be in the story, I'll be talking to him when he comes into the story. PM if you need to know what I look like. :) THACKERY!  
  
_** And from Elizabeth:  
 _  
_ **Hey, I just love this story. Phoenix you are awesome! Here are a few truths and dares.  
 _1._ Dani, what do you like most about Salem?  
 _2._ Mary, why do you put up with Winnie bossing you  
around?  
3\. Sarah, I dare you to have a slapping competition with  
Mary.  
 _4._ Mary, I dare you to slap Winnie as hard as you can  
and then hit her with a baseball bat on the head.  
Also, Phoenix, I go by Elizabeth. _  
  
_**"Sorry Rocky Pond, no story for you.", Death said apologetically. Anne popped up and said cheerfully, "Yep. I'm the only extra OC in _this_ story.". Death gently pushed her aside and said," And Elizabeth, _thank_ you for using my actual name. Rocky Pond, Winnie was born in the year 1600,making her 93 years old when the Sisters took Emily. Alrighty then, let’s go.". "Wait...what?",Dani asked in confusion, but a second later everyone vanished.  
  
In the empty air of Cloud, a message from the All-Powerful One appeared, formed from the fires of the sun. It read..." _Italics_ mean Death is singing, **_bold italics_** mean everyone else is singing, _underlined italics_ means Emily pipes up, and  underlines mean Thackery interjects with some _oh-so_ witty remark.".  
  
…Well okay then.  
  
The cast appeared on a ship in the middle of the ocean, with an unconscious Thackery and Emily tied to the mast. "And now, for no apparent reason whatsoever, we will all sing!",Death announced, then flew high into the air as the entire cast tried to throw him overboard. Walking vertically down the mast, he asked, "That's not very nice, now is it?", then lightly kicked the sleeping brother and sister on the head. "Morning sunshines!",he said to them brightly, "Let me be the first to extend a hand of friendship.". "We're tied up!",Thackery protested loudly, and Death laughed, "Oh ho ho! Nothing gets by you, does it?".  
  
"What do you want?",Thackery asked in a deadpan voice, and Death said in a tour guide voice, "I bet you're feeling lost. Scared! Confused. Allow me to explain. Help me out, guys!",gesturing to the cast who were disguised as animals. "Ooh, Captain's gonna sing a shanty.", Max said in a flat voice, picking up a concertina. ****  
  
_Here you are, on a boat, you're adrift, you're afloat, one might even stay you're stuck_

_Well, I don't wanna gloat, but I would like to note that you're in luck_

_You've been saved by the crew that rules these waters_

_So forget about your wives and daughters_

_First Mate, introduce me to them, please!_

_**Aye aye, Captain Death! He's the smug and cunning, elegant and stunning**_

**_Fear inspiring, years 'til retiring_ **

**_Looting, stealing, banana-peeling_ **

**_Undisputed Master of the Seas!_ **

  
Thackery rolled his eyes and muttered, "Oh please...".

_  
That's me! **'Tis he!**_

_That's me! **'Tis he!**_

_That's me! **'Tis he!**_

_Okay, okay_

_I'm an irate pirate pioneer and these are my brave buccaneers,_

_All of whom where once lost souls like you. **It's true!**_

_**He rescued us, he saved our butts;**_

**_For that we owe our lives to Death, and assuming he doesn't kill you..._ **

****_You will owe him, too!  
  
_ Death put a look of shock on his face as he said, "Me? _Kill_ them? Oh no, no...". After a moment of thought, however, he added, " _Well_ , at least not the strong, useful looking boy.", draping one of Thackery's arms around his shoulders. "Hey, hands off!",Thackery said, jerking his arm back. " _Any_ who...". __  
  
Here we are on a ship, moving at quite a clip through the ever-shifting ice

_**Come along on the trip, that's a hint, that's a tip, that's good advice!**_

_In a world that's going under_

_To survive you must learn to plunder,_

_Luckily, that's my field of expertise. **He's the best!**_

_**He's the roving, heaving** (we really should be leaving)_

_**Weapon-throwing**_ (we gotta get going)

_**Cruelly-slaying** (ah, I wish we could be staying!)_

_**Undisputed, uncontested, highly reputed,** yeah, you guessed it, **Master of the Seas!**_ (oh,      please) 

_That's me! **'Tis he!**_

_That's me! **'Tis he!**_

_That's who? **'Tis you!**_

_Just testing, I knew, 'tis me!  
  
_ Thackery graced Death with a deadpan look. "And _what_ , praytell, was _that_?",he asked in a flat tone as Emily discreetly sawed away at the ropes with a knife. Death smiled, plucked the knife from her fingers, and said, "That was your 'Welcome Back to the Land of the Living' song.", burning the ropes away with a look. The two straightened out cautiously as the animal suits began to burn as well, ashes fluttering away in the breeze until the suits were no more.   
  
Five seconds later Thackery was stumbling to regain his balance as a softly sobbing Dani continued to hug him. Emily looked on in amusement as Death remarked casually, "That's what you get for dying. One of the reasons I don't.", leaning on the previously occupied mast.Thackery awkwardly patted Dani on the back, and with a start she jerked away from him. "Sorry...",she said sheepishly, stepping away from him slightly, "It's just...",but Thackery cut her off with a simple, "I know.".  
  
Death started to tear up, wiping an unshed tear from his eye as May sidled up to him. "Are you crying?",she asked, raising an eyebrow in amusement. He turned away from her slightly in indignation, saying, "Yes. Have a problem with that?". She smiled and said, "Nope. Now come on,we have reviews to comply with.", snapping her fingers. They all vanished.  
  
Back on Cloud, everyone was watching with bemused expressions as Edward Cullen and Jacob Black fought over Bella, who was standing nearby with no emotion on her face whatsoever. Edward threw a punch, which got blocked, then Jacob countered with a sweeping kick. Edward jumped over it but was unprepared for the arm that came out of nowhere and swiped him to the side. Jacob pounced on the downed Edward and wrapped his hands around Edward's throat and began squeezing. Edward winced, flailing around as Jacob continued to asphyxiate him. Finally, Edward formed a vice grip on Jacob's arm and, with exaggerated disgust, sank his teeth into Jacob's forearm.   
  
Jacob reeled back, howling in pain, and tried to break free of Edward's grip. When he couldn't, he bared his fangs, growled, and sank _his_ teeth into _Edward's_ forearm. Edward involuntarily released his grip and reeled back, struggling out from under Jacob and a few feet away. "Dude!",Edward said indignantly, "Did you just _bite_ me!?". "Well yeah,", Jacob defended himself,", but only because you bit me!". "Well that's just...wait...does this mean we're...",Edward trailed off, and the two had the exact same thought at the exact same time: "Vampire werewolves!".  
  
They turned to a bank of elevators that had inexplicably appeared on Cloud's surface, and just as the doors closed, Jacob said, "Dude...we should hang out more often!". Bella stood there for a minute, flabbergasted, before she blinked and asked,"...What just happened?".  "Well isn't it obvious?",Winnie said rudely, "Your boyfriends are queer for each other. Now go buy some prune juice for that vampire and get a puppy for yourself. It might make you happy.".   
  
Death slid in, pushing Winnie to the side, and said over the screech of a cat, "What she was _supposed_ to say was that boys need time to hang out with their guy friends once in a while, and that they can't be focused on their girlfriends _all_ the time. Give them a couple days, you'll get them back.". He gently pushed the girl into the next elevator and pressed the ground floor button, and a hole opened in the clouds under the elevator.  
  
"In retrospect, it _might_ have been a good idea to tie these to something.", Death said, holding the ends of two elevator cables while he watched the boxes plummet to their doom. He shrugs, threw the ends through the clouds, and sealed the holes. "Eh. They're vampires, they'll be fine. NOW!",he suddenly yelled, making everyone jump, "Thackery, you have to ask the contestants embarrassing questions for the next couple of chap - I MEAN ROUNDS!". May leaned in and whispered, "Subtle.", and Death glared at her mildly before saying, "We've already heard that Winnie was born in 1600. Next is, does Dani have a crush on you?".   
  
Dani suddenly found her shoes _extremely_ interesting, but if the blush adorning her face was anything to go by, the answer was yes. "I think your answer is obvious. Here's a different question. What do you like most about Salem?", Death asked her, and she immediately perked up at the change of subject.  
  
"I'd have to say how much _everyone_ around here loves Halloween as much as I do. Because despite _certain people's_ attempts,", Dani says, glaring at the Sisters,", I still love Halloween just as much as last year.". Death blinked in surprise, saying, "That was a _really_ in-depth answer for a nine year old.", before turning to Mary.  
  
"Why do you put up with Winnie bossing you around so much?",he asked the sister, whose eyes widened before she said nervously, "Oh,she's our sister! We always love her, even if she can get a little snippy at times...". "A little?",Death asked, one eyebrow raised as Anne asked incredulously, "At times?".   
  
"Also, we'd probably die from our own incompetence, "she said, gesturing to Sarah and herself, "and lack of subtlety.". Anne rolled her eyes and said, " _That_ makes more sense.", as Death put Sarah and Mary in a huge arena made for training you dragon. The two witches circled each other, growling with an occasional bark, then simultaneously lunged at each other, getting closer and closer until...they stopped dead.   
  
Mary slapped Sarah on the cheek, hard, and with an indignant, "Ugh!",Sarah slapped Mary back. Mary pulled out a glove and smacked Sarah, and Sarah dipped her hand in a bucket of ice water before slapping Mary. Mary slapped Sarah, while at the same time raking her cheek with her nails. Sarah slowly reached up and wiped the blood off her face, glancing at it before cloaking her hand in magical energy and slapping Mary so hard she flew across the arena and embedded herself into the wall.   
  
When the dust settled, and the chimmee chongas were eaten, a small red rabbit slowly stumbled from the hole. "And the winner is...Sarah!",Death announced, holding her hand up in the air. Sarah jumped up and down in excitement while clapping her hands repeatedly. "What do I win!?",she asked, turning to the host, and he replied happily, "A boy. I've hung him on a hook, so go play with him!". Death snapped his fingers, and a doorway of darkness appeared, which Sarah happily skipped into.  
  
Death turned Mary back to normal and whispered her dare in her ear. Mary grew pale, but with conviction she strode up to Winnie, tapped her on the shoulder, and as the older sibling turned, slapped her. Then she ran away from the fuming redhead as fast as her legs could carry her. Before she could get very far, however, Hades in his bat form appeared, all terrifying and...on fire.  
  
"I DECLARE THIS CHAPTER OVER!",Hades yelled. "GO HOME HADES!",Death yelled back. "Okay...",Hades said in a small voice, disappearing in a burst of fire. "Quite. Please leave a dapper review instead of a regular review, please!",Death said in a posh accent, while sipping tea with two monocles on. "What's the difference?",May asked curiously. "The difference is that they don't sneeze on their computers while writing it, and that the words 'Quite' and 'Dapper' are in there somewhere.", Death dapperly replied. The screen goes dark.


	7. The Balance of Power Shifts

"What _is_ that?",Dani asked,tilting her head to hear said noise better. It was coming from quite a distance away if the dullness of the din was any indication. It suddenly got much sharper however,and a second later Death raced into existance,skidding to a stop and yelling,"We have reviews!". Everyobdy made an annoyed noise but nonetheless lined up to receive their punishm...I mean,dares.   
  
Death smiled and snapped his fingers,bringing King Tutankhamun up to Cloud. "Hey there, Fuddy Duddy Tutty.",Death greeted teasingly, but the boy king merely rolled his eyes and asked,"What do you want, Magician?". Death smiled and said,"I  want to make you a God.". Tut grew wide-eyed and began to say something,then got all stoney-faced and asked,"And what, exactly, do I have to give you in return? My voice? Because I do _not_ want to end up like that poor mermaid almost did.".

 

Death stage-slapped Tut and yelled,"Copyright!",then said in a calm voice,"Don't be daft. All you have to do is read this.", handing the teenager a placecard inscribed with hieroglyphs. Glancing at Death with uncertainty, Tut reads out, "From Jennarella. One, I dare you to change your name back to Phoenix. Two, for everyone, what are you biggest fears? Three, why does Sarah always wants to play with boys on a hook? And four, at the end of the chapter, make Allison, Max, and Dani switch places with the Sanderson sisters, as in Allison Max and Dani are now the ones with magic and the Sanderson sisters have no power.".   
  
He paused to let Phoenix deal with the angry shouts of the Sisters, then continued,"A Guest says, 'Ok,so I want someone, I cant really choose...make Winnie get emotional. Okay?', and another Guest says, 'I don't know why everyone hates Winnie so much, she's my favorite character! All I want is something good to happen to her for once.'".

 

The placard exploded in a, for lack of a better word, poof of silver sparkles, said sparkles swirling around the boy-king before being absorbed through his skin. "There. God of Magic. Good day.",Phoenix said cheerfully, flicking his hand at the boy-God. He vanished,and Phoenix turned to the cast to ask,"Well? What are your biggest fears?". Winnie immediately said, "Dissapointing my master.", and the other two Sisters nodded in agreement.   
  
Dani said, after a moment of thought, "I'd have to say the Sisters eating Max's life force.", followed closely by Allison's cry of, "Clowns! Oh they're horrible, always smiling creepily or crying. And the pies, oh the _pies_...". By that point everybody had just tuned out her self-addressed rant, and Max said over the distraught girl, "Well...I've always wondered what would have happened if the Sisters _had_ gotten Dani to drink that potion. They would've been able to stay alive, to make _more_ kids give them their life. So, right now, that's my biggest fear.".

 

Phoenix stared at Max, then said uncertainly, "A...all right then. My biggest fear would be...uh...well, you have to understand that magic allows me to undo anything, so I don't really see- Oh! Losing my magic! That's my biggest fear. May?",and the quiet brunette said,"Oh, my biggest fear would be the mortals not making candy anymore.",and Anne nodded her head in agreement.   
  
Phoenix raised an eyebrow at Thackery and Emily, and Thackery shuddered before answering,"Ugh, being turned into a _cat_ again. Not that I have anything against cats, but...it was just so lonely.". Emily nodded in understanding before piping up, "Being seperated from my brother again.", and the audience let out a resounding,'Awwww...".

 

The host smiled,then gulped loudly and looked at a serenly-smiling Sarah. "D...Do you remember your truth?", the teen asked uncertainly, and Sarah focused on him before launching into an _extremely_ detailed report of _exactly_ what she would do to any boy unfortunate enough to find himself on a hook in her presence. Ten minutes, and one Spell of Deafness for Dani and Emily later, the blonde fell silent. Her Sisters had cast the same Deafness spell on themselves ten minutes into the speech, leaving Phoenix, May, Anne, Allison, Max, and Thackery the only ones who actually _heard_ the speech.  
  
"That concludes the oral report section of the sexual education exam. If you have any questions please refrain from asking, hearing the thing was traumatic enough.",Phoenix said in a deceptively calm voice, though a twitching eyelid revealed his true mental state. May had simply tuned the blonde out, opting instead to read a book. Anne had put her earphones in a minute in.   
  
Allison and Max's blushes had grown darker with each word the blonde had said, and so by the end Thackery was wondering how exactly they hadn't fainted from all that blood that was, undoubtedly, supposed to be somewhere else. Said cat-boy was comepletely indifferent to the speech,claiming,"I've heard much worse.".

 

Phoenix, now smiling rather widely, snapped his fingers, and a stream of green, red, and purple light traveled from the Sisters to Max, Allison, and Dani respectively. Max flexed his fingers and pulled a bouquet of flowers from thin air, handing them to Allison. Allison, touched by the gesture, flung the flowers up in the air and attacked his mouth with hers. The flowers turned into doves.   
  
Dani, raising an eyebrow at the display of affection, drew a curtain of cloud up around herself, and when it lowered again her age seemed to have changed. "Did you...make yourself eighteen?",Thackery asked, and Dani nodded sheepishly, explaining,"All my life I couldn't _wait_ to grow up, and with magic I don't have to.". "Yes, and the original owner of the magic has nothing at _all_ to do with it.",Phoenix whispered to May sarcastically, then turns to Winnie.

 

Said witch was only _just_ being held back by her Sisters, though they were obviously straining. "Lemme at them! I'll skewer 'em! I'll fry them! I'll throw them into a boiling pot of beazlenut oil!", she yelled, simultaneously kicking Mary and scratching Sarah. Phoenix slowly walked forward, and when he was within arm's reach, he slowly brought his right hand up and pressed the tip of his middle finger to Winnie's forehead.  
  
She instantly stilled as the magic raced through her system, and before everyone's eyes she began to change. Firstly, her hair grew more vibrant and light, split ends mending and flat parts fluffing up. Then her overbite snapped back into her mouth. Her face got less edgy, filling out not too much, but enough. Her figure adjusted itself, and she grew a couple of inches taller. 

"This is what you'd look like after consuming the souls of all the children in Salem.", Phoenix informed her, conjuring a mirror in front of the young witch. He watched with an amused expression as Winnie took in her new appearance with shock, moving her hand slowly up to her face to feel it. She slowly sank to her knees, and her sisters detected a bit of moisture in her eyes as she whispered,"I'm...young again. I...I...thank you. Whoever you are that made this happen, thank you!".   
  
Phoenix smiled lightly and faced Thackery, saying,"Well,that takes care of the two Guest reviews. Now, in accordance with a review made last chapter, you must ask somebody an embarassing question.". Thackery winced, then looked around at the congregated mass of people. He opened his mouth to say something, then asked Phoenix, "Hey...can I just...submit my question as a truth for next chapter?". Said host tilted his head in thought, then said brightly,"Sure.". Thackery sighed in relief.

 

"Well,that was certainly interesting.",Phoenix said to the audience, and May nodded her head in agreement, adding,"And _thank_ you, Jennarella, for that...interesting truth. You know which one I'm talking about.". They started waving to the audience, and with bright smiles they said in unison,"We will hunt you down and punish you for it. Bye everybody!".

 


	8. Gods and Bounty Hunters

The cast was just sitting around doing various activities like reading, playing video games, and trying to find a way _off_ this hunk of precipitation, when a section of Cloud seperated itself from the rest and assumed a vaguely humanoid shape. This shape turned out to be Samus, famed bounty hunter and one-time Galactic Federation recruit. "Huh?", she said in a confused voice, tilting her head and raising her arm cannon a little.  
  
"Oh ho ho ho, you are _not_ gonna like this.", Phoenix chuckled as he opened a door in the fabric of spacetime, closing it carefully before turning around to face Samus. He blinked in surprise before asking easperatedly, "Teleporter in the Falls of Fire? Ugh, that thing is always malfunctioning. Hold on...", eyes unfocusing as he stared off into space for a while.  
  
After a couple minutes of awkward silence, he suddenly snapped back to reality and smiled at Samus, promising, "There, should be fixed. Now off with ye!", before snapping his fingers to make Samus vanish. The host turned to the cast and admitted, "As I was saying, you aren't gonna like this. Sorry.". After holding his apologetic smile for a moment, he smiled evilly and contradicted, "Not. Heh heh heh heh heh...", and everybody blanched at the evil undertone of his laugh. They went even whiter when he caused the towering form of Zeus to appear.  
  
"WHO DARES SUMMON THE MIGHTY - ", Zeus began, Cloud flashing with lightning below the feet of our cast, but when he saw Phoenix waving up at him he promptly shrunk to average size and said, "Oh hey Nix. Truth or dare fic?". "Truth or dare fic. Here, could ya read these?", Phoenix asked him, handing the God a set of Greek tablets.   
  
"Oh sure. Noúmero éna , Winnifred has to be nice for the rest of this fiction.", he began, smirking as the other Sandersons had to hold her back from attacking the God, "Noúmero dýo  for Mary, how come you don't just overpower Winnie when she gets angry and/or bossy?".   
  
Winnie turned to Mary in a flash of intimidating rage, and only Sarah's surprising strength prevented her from clawing Mary's eyes out. Zeus let out a 'heh' and continued, "Noúmero tría, Sarah has to read the ENTIRE Encyclopædia Britannica.". Sarah staggered under the impressive weight of the pile of books suddenly cradled in her arms, inadvertantly releasing a seething Winnie on an unsuspecting Mary.   
  
Ignoring the threats called out from behind him, Zeus listed, " Noúmero téssera, Alison and Max have to kiss each other.", raising an eyebrow at the couple that were kissing since Max gave Allison flowers last chapter. After a pause he said, "Vetoed. Arithmó pénte, Dani has to stand upside down and drink a glass of water. And finally, arithmó éxi for Thackery, do you prefer being a cat or human?". He handed the tablets back to Phoenix, who said, "Thanks Zeus!", and nodded once before turning to blinding golden light and vanishing.  
  
Clapping his hands briskly, Phoenix turned to Winnie to enact her dare. After pulling the seething redhead off the now-bleeding raven, he turned her to face him and bound her in chains. "I don't understand how you can still be _so_ horrible to everybody after last chapter.", he mused before shrugging and digressing, "Ah well, in a few seconds you be perfectly pleasant.". He took a deep breath, paused to think of a rhyme, then said, "Heart like stone and cold as ice, forevermore you shall be nice.".   
  
Winnie's face contorted into an even more rageful knot, then slowly loosened into a look of passiveness. And then suddenly, she broke down into tears and rushed at Mary and Sarah, bringing them both into crushing hugs. "I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to either of you, I love you so much!", she cried, rocking the three of them from side to side.   
  
"I think this answers my truth.", Mary managed to choke out, face turning purple as Winnie kept squeezing. Winnie jumped back and professed her sorriness for crushing her sister's windpipe, somehow breaking through Phoenix's no-magic wards to conjure an oven for the purpose of baking cookies. Phoenix's eyebrow twitched at the outright abnormalness of the gesture, then he turned to see Sarah, just now closing the back cover of the last volume of the Encyclopædia Britannica.  
  
In answer to Phoenix's raised eyebrow, Sarah piped up, "I habituated a chronological discontinuation incantation to preclude temporal amelioration for the totality of the epoch postulated to construe these engaging opuscules.". Dani leaned close to Phoenix's ear and whispered, "What?", and Phoenix simplified, "She used a spell to stop time so she could read the books. Now, didn't you have a dare to complete?".  
  
Dani shrugged and proceeded to do a handstand, taking the glass of water Phoenix conjured up and taking an upside-down drink. Or, well, tried to. She started spluttering water all over her face, collapsing onto her back and splashing the rest onto her front. Thackery's face slowly went red as Dani stood up with her now-skintight shirt, a beaming Anne standing behind him and whispering to Emily, "Fanservice.".   
  
Emily, who had in the last couple of days discovered anime, giggled.   
  
Dani sighed in annoyance and snapped her fingers, drying her clothes instantly. After Thackery‘s face had returned to its rightful color, Phoenix asked him, "So, redundant after the last chapter, but do you prefer human or cat form?". His eyes widened in remembered fear and he started babbling about 'it was so lonely' and 'dying hurts' and 'the hairballs, oh _the hairballs_...'.   
  
"Alrighty then!", Phoenix interrupted loudly, clapping a hand over Thackery's mouth and whispering his dare from Jennarella in his ear. His face returned to that red color as Phoenix let him go, but with a confident air he strode over to Dani and asked, "Dani, will you go out with me?". Dani's eyes widened in surprise as she looked up from the book she had begun reading,  but after a moment she gave a small smile and hesitantly nodded.   
  
Anne and Emily squealed something along the lines of, "Kawaii!", but as it was so high only dogs could hear it nobody understood. They were too busy with their bleeding ears. "Read and review. Owwwww...", Phoenix groaned, clutching his ears.


	9. Status Quo (3 Point 141592 PIIIII)

“On the first day of Twelfth Perigee, my matesprit gave to me: A scalemate hanging from the tree.”, Phoenix mumbled to himself as he accessed the voicemail on his phone. After a second of listening, he shouted, “We got a review! From...shegoismyfav.”, to the inhabitants of Cloud, and a storm of crocodiles, salamanders, and frogs flooded in around him.   
  
One could barely hear themselves think over the incessant naks of the crocodiles, and there was a wide ring of people around all the salamanders blowing bubbles. People stumbled as they avoided trying to step on the frogs, and in the middle of it all were the beds of the contestants, heaving and bucking in the sea of people like bulls at a rodeo.  
  
Wearing a deadpan expression, Phoenix fished around in his pocket a moment before pulling out a toilet flusher, which he stuck to a rare patch of solid ground (ground being a relative term) and flushed. The clouds under the unwanted guests swirled into a whirlpool, the salamanders and crocodiles and frogs (oh my) sliding down the incline to be deposited safely in a portal back to LoWaS, LoHaC, and LoFaF, depending on the critter.  
  
Once all the little varmints had vanished, Cloud put itself to rights and Phoenix plucked the flusher from the ground to put back in his pocket. “And cue the aplaaaaaaause.”, Phoenix sang brightly, jazz hands waving.  
  
“One. I dare you, Phoenix, to make Winnie evil (otherwise known as normal) again.”, Phoenix repeated from the phone, then grew sad. “Aw well. It was nice while it lasted.”, he sighed, waving his hand in Winnie's general direction. A light that had been present in Winnie's eyes since last chapter dimmed, and she looked around blearily before shuddering in revulsion and fainting from horror.   
  
“Nice must not agree with her.”, Phoenix commented, returning the phone to his ear and saying, ”Why are the witches evil in the first place? Any one of them can answer, your choice.”. “Well you see, the person that gave us our book was Satan, the devil, and the price for it was using it to do unspeakable evil. We didn't really care either way, and Winnie was evil in the first place, so it all worked out.”, Mary explained in a bored tone, plucking at a loose string on her bed sheet as Sarah nodded in agreement.  
  
 “Very good. And number three, 'I dare Winnie to give up her magic for the next chapter', is vetoed because, of course, the Sisters all had their magic transferred to the Dennisons and Allison two chapters ago.”, Phoenix explained, smiling widely. And then three pies, which Winnie had started baking after the last chapter, popped out of the oven.  
  
One of them stood up, saying in a rhythm, “Three point one four one five nine two.”, and then the second pie joined him. After the second run through, the last pie joined in, and the miniature performance culminated with, “Three point one four one five nine two PIIIIIIIIIIII.”. Phoenix regarded the pies for a moment before exclaiming, “Alrighty then!”, and they all faded to black.


	10. A Good Witch, or a Sand-Witch

Cloud faded back in from black, and Phoenix blinked in confusion before checking his phone. “Oh.”, he said in surprise, “We have another review. Huh.”. He smiled evilly as he read the short text, glancing over at the cast of misfits sitting on their beds. She wouldn't suspect a thing. “Let's see...”, Phoenix mumbled to himself, “I'll move one up to three and shift two and the old three down. Yes, perfect. Alright!”.   
  
He ran up to Dani, whispering the situation in her ear before scurrying over to Max as she nodded. A wide smile blossomed on Max's face as Phoenix moved over to Allison, and the teenage girl grinned as the host traveled over to Thackery and Emily. They began snickering quietly to themselves as Phoenix beckoned Billy over, and a rattling laugh issued from the zombie's mouth as he informed May and Anne.   
  
Done with the informing, he fiddled with his phone until, one by one, the non magic users of the cast filed up to him and whispered in his ear. As soon as Max, Allison, and Dani gave him their thumbs up, Phoenix snapped his fingers and sat back to watch the show.  
  
Winnie was just sitting on her bed, minding her own business, when out of nowhere a rope looped loosely around her ankle suddenly snapped taut, and a second later she was sent through the air, screaming. “Ah, trebuchets.”, Phoenix sighed as the screeching red-haired witch flew overhead. She landed on a fluffy little section of Cloud, but the clouds evaporated under her to deposit her on a conveyor belt.   
  
Manacles snapped closed around her ankles, and as she was toted along, pies rained down on her from Skaian defense portals. The manacles snapped open so she could be deposited on a sloppily painted X, and she was allowed a moment's reprieve before the spring trap activated. She flew through the air once again, falling onto a set of stairs at the apex of her jump.   
  
She thumped down them painfully, and when she reached the bottom landing, another spring activated to fling her through some sheetrock. She smashed through the mineral and tumbled into an oversized oven, the door closing automatically. “Bake at three hundred fifty degrees for five seconds to achieve a charred, blackened witch. Alright then.”, Phoenix crowed as he pushed the starter button.   
  
Jets of fire erupted on the inside of the machine, charring the woman inside a fine black crust before she was catapulted out the top to land on a giant tortilla shell. Max and Allison ran up and rolled the redhead up, derp faces going strong as they ran away to avoid implication.   
  
After catching her breath for a moment, Winnie started pushing and shoving against the soft shell, tearing large chunks out of her cozy bed and staggering to her feet. Panting heavily, she took a step forward and slipped on a banana peel, crashing to the ground with a thump of finality.  
  
“Wasn't that fun kids? Let's write it down and do it again next weekend!”, Phoenix shouted gleefully, then suddenly grew solemn. “And now for something completely different. Dani, if you had magic, would you be a good witch, a bad witch, or a sand witch?”, he asked seriously, and Dani considered this for a second before answering, “Well, I don't think I'd like being a snack, but I _would_ be whatever kind of witch the moment called for, because _that_...”, she confessed, gesturing to a worn-out Winnie, “...was fun.”.   
  
“Agreed.”, Phoenix said, “But now, I'm afraid a reviewer has asked me to return the Sister's powers to them. Anything you want to use them for before then?”. Max conjured one last bouquet of flowers for Allison, Allison once again turned them into doves and attacked Max's lips with her own, and Dani simply created a little box with a button on it.   
  
“Oooo, what's it do?”, Phoenix asked childishly, and Dani gestured to it with a grin. “Really?”, he asked gleefully, and at her nod he reached forward and tentatively pressed the button. He whirled around as a rope snapped taught on Winnie's ankle again, looking at Dani and saying with a malicious grin, “Naughty girl.”.


	11. New Beginnings

The cast waved lazily as the latest train of roller coaster cars broke the surface of Cloud, and the stunned occupants waved back numbly before they were sent back down to the world below. Considering Cloud floated 2000 feet above the Earth (give or take), they were in for a long ride. The next car came up, but instead of a train there was Phoenix in a single car. He overrode the safety bar and jumped out onto Cloud seconds before the car fell, striding toward the group at a quick pace.  
  
"We've got another review! Guess the story's really picking up some fans!", Phoenix speculated happily as another car came up through Cloud. The side panel fell off and started floating, the Panem anthem starting up a moment later as the crest flashed up on the screen. Pictures of the Sisters soon replaced the crest, and President Snow's voice sounded out, "Guest proclaims that these three must watch a Disney marathon - ", but was interrupted by Winnie and her sisters trying to make a break for it. They were imprisoned, however, by a ring of salt.  
  
 "This one must forfeit her magic for a chapter.", Snow's voice continued, Winnie's picture appearing on the screen, and ignoring her outraged screaming, Snow continued, "And finally, everyone must tell one embarrassing secret.". "So the Gamemakers say!", Phoenix rumbled in a deep voice, startling all that were near him. That is to say, everyone.  
  
Then Phoenix himself jumped slightly as his phone started vibrating. He couldn't see it, but there was a little speech bubble coming from his phone with an impaled witch's hat inside it. He pulled it out and unlocked it to find he was being Pestered. "Huh. gentryTailor? Wonder who that could be...", he mused as his fingers tapped the keys.  
  
 **gentryTailor [GT] began Pestering godlyComposer [GC]**

**GT: OMG! BEST CHAPTER YET! You have a great imagination, Phoenix!**

**GC: Oh, thank you, but uh...who are you?**  
GT: Oh, I'm so sorry! Just call me Witch Hunter63 :D  
GC: ...That's not really any more enlightening than gentryTailor.  
GT: *rolls eyes* I'm a reviewer.  
GC: Oh! Well, that changes things then! What would you like to submit?  
GT: Oh, I don't have many thin – NUMBER ONE!  
GC: *jumps back in surprise*  
GT: Given your...talent...for making up pranks  
GT: I dare the whole cast, except for Winnie  
GT: To have an all-put prank war!  
GC: Cool, anything else?  
GT: Oh, not reall – NUMBER TWO!  
GC: GAH!  
GT: Winnie gets her revenge but SHE CAN'T USE MAGIC!   
GT: She'll have to do it the old fashioned way ;P  
GC: *warily* Anything else?  
GT: No, nothing I can thin – NUMBER THREE!  
GC: Gets old the third time around.  
GT: Right. Anyways, I wanna know: Did Winnie ever _actually_ love Billy?  
GC: Ooooh, interesting B3  
GT: 'Innit?  
GT: Number four. If everyone had the chance (except for Binx), what animal would they be?  
GC: Also interesitng.   
GC: I'mma take out the "'cept for Binx" part though. He might wanna be something else.  
GT: Point. Finally, number five! Disenchant Winnie's book...and make her watch as you burn it.   
GT: Heh. Heh heh heh...  
GT: Ah hah hah!  
GT: AH HA HA HA...AH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!  
GC: Very nice B|  
GT: Thanks :D  
GC: Izzat all?  
GT: Yep! Can't wait to see how it turns out B]  
GC: Hmm hmm hmm, I'll be sure to make a recording and send it to you.  
GT: Lovely. Have to go now, my planet's exploding.  
GC: Have fun with that, I have to get this lazy lot into gear!  
GT: A truly insurmountable task. Bye!  
GC: See ya!  
  
gentryTailor's [GT'S] computer has been caught in a massive, all-consuming planetary explosion.  
  
Phoenix let out a single 'hm' and put his phone away, turning to the cast and saying, "Alright, that was our second review! I'll just keep those items a secret until they come into play.". He grinned savagely and turned to the Sisters, who were cowering in fear, before raising his hand with slow finality. "If you survive, great. If you don't, we're above a cemetery.", he said solemnly before snapping his fingers.

 

Down in Salem, a presumptuous little teenage boy was trying to sneak in the Sanderson Sister's house-turned-museum when piercing shrieks from three separate women filled the night. The boy soiled himself and turned around to go home.   
  
"Well, while they're doing that, let's get to those secrets!", Phoenix cheered, sitting everyone down in a circle and looking at Max expectantly. "I, uh...", Max faltered, then continued, "I've slept with a can of salt and a bat ever since Halloween.". Thackery and Emily nodded, Dani let out a 'pfft', and Phoenix, May, and Anne simply smiled. Phoenix turned to look at Dani, and she flushed a deep scarlet. "Uh, I uh, uhm...", she flailed, trying to think of something to say other than what she had in mind.  
  
Sighing in defeat, she started, "I, uhm...h-h-have a cat... that looks exactly like Binx...named Binx...". This earned a few snickers and one mutter of 'crazy cat lady' before Phoenix looked at Allison. "Heh heh, uh, I may or may not be obsessed with, uh...", she started, and the rest of the assembled teens leaned in close to hear the whispered, "...Pokemon.". Anne blinked before turning to May and saying, "Knew it.". "Yeah yeah yeah...", the girl grumbled, digging in her pocket for a ten dollar bill.  
  
Similarly, Phoenix was accepting an old-looking coin from Binx and Dani was watching in satisfaction as Max counted out several twenties. "It was kinda obvious, honey.", Anne said sympathetically, patting a stunned Allison on the shoulder before saying loudly, "I've never been kissed!". "Last time I tried cooking I burned my house down.", May said calmly, and a smile appeared on Phoenix's face. "I...I...", Thackery began, then flushed and said, "I may have unintentionally created My Little Pony.".  
  
Dani made a 'snrk' sort of noise, Emily looked confused (for she hadn't really investigated the modern world beyond her interests), Anne began laughing, May joined in with Anne after a few moments of trying to suppress her laughter, Allison tried to fight down a smile, Max forced a smile as he tried to hide his 'Bronies' t-shirt, and Phoenix bit his lip for a second before managing to get out, "Explain please.".  
  
"Well, it was one of those days where it rains but the sun was still shining, and it made a sort of rainbow in front of a horse, and... I thought it was rainbow-colored.", Thackery admitted embarrassedly, and Emily giggled and said, "Oh, _I_ remember that! He woke up the village elders for that, raving and yelling about the 'horse imbued with the essence of light'.". Even people who weren't on Cloud at the time burst out laughing at this, and exactly twenty-three people were committed to insane asylums that day.  
  
Once the laughter had died down, Phoenix snapped his fingers to bring the Sisters back, but the three women that appeared in front of him were not the women that disappeared a few minutes ago. These women were shivering profusely, and as blankets were settled over their shoulders and mugs of cocoa pressed into their hands, Sarah babbled, "The circle of life... Ohana means family... under the sea!", then began tittering like a madman.  
  
"...Let's just give them a couple minutes to...calm down.", Phoenix delegated firmly, sending them away and immediately bringing them back. "Death to you and your family.", Winnie said firmly, and Phoenix sighed, "Oh, how I _love_ subjective time. Now! You three must each say one secret. Go!". The Sisters merely stared at him. "Let's rephrase that.", Phoenix said in a deadpan, "The Sister that spills a secret of one of the other two gets a child's life force.".  
  
"Mary keeps dog treats in her hair!", Sarah shouted, and before she could react Winnie cut in with a calm, "And raw meat too.". Mary spluttered a bit before growing scarily calm, smiling serenely, and saying, "The Master actually gave me Book, and Winnie was so jealous she stole it from me. And Sarah... Sarah used to be a boy.".  
  
Max spit out some Coke he had been drinking, Allison let out a sort of strangled shriek and drew Max close to her, Dani and Emily made whimpering noises and clutched at Thackery, and Billy twitched a few times before spontaneously combusting. "Poor guy...", Phoenix mumbled, inconspicuously putting up a slight shield. 'Slight' being the size of Salem itself. Sarah herself was glaring murderously at Mary, and her chin quivered a moment before she opened her mouth and began screaming incredibly intelligent profanities nobody could understand.  
  
"You...you piteously vulgar, half-witted, rotten, thick-headed mental midget with the natural grace of an intoxicated beluga whale!", she shouted, one of the things the surrounding people could actually comprehend, and with that the gloves were off. "Shall we move on, then?", Phoenix asked brightly, studiously ignoring the catfight going on behind him. "Uh...what are we supposed to do? You never told us.", Dani asked, still eyeing Sarah nervously as she determinedly tried to rip Mary's face off.  
  
"Have a prank war.", he said simply, and with that, pies fell on the head of everyone present. "Need time to plan and get supplies. Next chapter.", Allison ground out in a deadly hiss, and the others nodded venomously. "Kay.", Phoenix replied with a smile before saying to Winnie, "Get revenge. Without magic.". The witch glared at him, but nodded and said, "Very well. I will need supplies, so it will have to wait.". "Alright. Just asking, seriously very curious, but did you ever _actually_ love Billy?", Phoenix asked, gesturing to the charred remains of the zombie before he did a double take and reconstituted him.  
  
Winnie kept on glaring, but something in her eyes...softened. Changed. "Once.", she said quietly, "A very long time ago.". Phoenix bit his lip and nodded, then asked everyone, "If you had the chance to turn into an animal, what would you be? I'd be a peregrine falcon, personally.". "Panther.", Dani said without hesitation, followed closely by Thackery's, "Human. Human human human. Never want to be a cat again...". "A mare.", Emily said with a cute smile, and Allison said nonchalantly, "A dolphin. They always seem so playful.".  
  
"Cheetah. I'd never be late for anything.", Max said with a laugh, and May said shortly, "Leopard.". "Lioness. Roar.", Anne said with a smile, and then Winnie said smugly, "I would like to become an abaasy, a demon with teeth as sharp as steel that occupies the Underworld.". "Owl!", Sarah shouted from her fight with Mary, and Mary shouted, "Wolf!".  
  
Phoenix started smiling as he prepared the last task, taking out a peculiar sort of bluish stone and transmuting a part of Cloud into fire. And then he drew, from the space between spaces, Winnie's Book. Winnie caught on almost immediately and had to be restrained by fragments of Cloud, starting to scream as she watched Phoenix touch the stone to Book's closed eye and mutter a few incomprehensible words. Then he plucked Book's eye from the cover and threw its body into the bonfire, turning away and moving to a worktable as an explosion of black smoke billowed from the fire.  
  
He moved his hands over the surface of the table, his body placed between it and the others. Then a crunching sound was heard, a fwoosh that sounded like something catching fire, and then Phoenix turned around with a new Book in his hand. It was bound, not in human skin, but in the finest of dragon hides, impervious to most spells and, indeed, fire. Whirling around in an indent in the cover was the eye from the old Book, and as Phoenix handed it to a stunned Winnie he said, "His old body was falling apart anyway.". Then Winnie fainted, and the host took that as the cue to shout, "See ya next chapter!".


	12. Singing

The cast, under the cover of night, had mounted a journey to the surface to gather materials for their prank war. Winnie had struck out on her own, as she had extra materials to procure due to her role as a revenge-seeker, but even so, she had managed to return before the rest of them. She chuckled quietly as she spread the ants over the sugar-coated bed of Thackery Binx, bringing the comforter up to cover the infestation.  
  
She moved to Sarah’s bed and magicked it to print, in bold letter, ‘I was a homosexual so I became a woman!’, on the poor girls forehead. She also dumped some snakes under the sheets and spelled them to stay. Then she tiptoed over to Mary’s bed, where she dumped copious amounts of spiders into the bedding. Over to Allison’s bed she pranced, charming it with a flick of her hand to not let the girl up no matter _what_ they tried. To Anne’s bed she went, flipping it up onto its side and sawing through the support beams with a dainty wave of her hand.  
  
She scuttled over the May’s bed and set it ablaze, putting a note that read, “Sacrificed to the Grand Potato Kakaboola”, on the ashes. Phoenix’s bed she merely sent hurtling down to the surface. Glancing at Billy’s bed, she collapsed onto her own and fell asleep.  
  
The rest of the cast staggered in sometime later, putting their prank supplies down beside their beds and yawning profusely. Thackery sighed in exhaustion and dragged himself over to Winnie, who he wrapped copious amounts of plastic wrap around. Somehow without waking her. He made room for Max, who duct taped her to her bed. He smiled tiredly at Allison, who smiled back as she upended a sack of flour over the redheaded magic-user. Then she picked up Dani and held her steady as she carefully drew a moustache-goatee combo on the witch’s face.  
  
The two stumbled to the side as Anne moved forward, carefully settling some headphones over Winnie’s ears and setting the mp3 player to go off at five in the morning. Mary set up some strobe lights around Winnie’s bed and set them to go off at five in the morning, the same time as the mp3 player. Sarah spoke quietly to Phoenix, who made a bubble appear around Winnie’s bed, then poked the nozzle of a smoke machine into the thin membrane. Smoke slowly started to fill the enclosed space. Phoenix smiled in approval and placed a bubble-head charm on the witch.  
  
May placed a piece of black tape over Winnie’s eyes , and Billy…Billy simply gazed at Winnie with an air of regret. Finally, Phoenix snapped his fingers to make a tribe of tall, war-painted people that only Winnie could hear appear, who looked around confusedly before shrugging and beginning to chant loudly.  
  
Smiling with tired mischief, the exhausted cast members staggered over to their beds and, as one, slipped quietly under the covers. All but Phoenix and May, the boy looking around confusedly as the girl glowered at the pile of ashes.  
  
At that moment, Sarah was the first to flail back up out of bed, screaming and trying to pull the snakes out of her dress. Next was Mary, who began doing a staggering sort of dance as she tried to brush the spiders off of her clothes. Thackery was up third, brushing ants off of himself with a calm yet annoyed air. A creaky splintering sound was heard before Anne and her mattress went crashing through the bed frame and onto Cloud, and even though the struggled like mad, Allison couldn’t even raise her head to see what all the commotion was about.  
  
Phoenix and May wisely decided to rent a hotel room for the night. The rest of the cast, minus Winnie, eagerly followed them to the surface.

**\--Three Hours Later--**

Something was wrong, that much was certain. Winnie was _sure_ she had opened her eyes, but she still saw only black. Her (quite correct) assumption that something had been placed over her eyes would have to go unproven, however, seeing as she couldn’t move her arms. Or legs. Or anything besides her head, really. Which was too bad, because the blaringly loud music playing straight into her ears was getting quite annoying. She thrashed her head around and succeeded in dislodging the headphones, and some careful squinting unstuck the tape over her eyes.  
  
Too bad she couldn’t see anything through the rapidly-flashing fog. She sighed, and on the inhale she accidentally breathed in some of the white dust covering her face. After settling the violent coughing fit she had found herself in, she took a deep breath and blew out with the force of all the magic she put behind it. Which was quite a lot. The bubble around her head burst, as did the bubble containing the fog, which blew away.  
  
Then she saw the tribal idiots who were dancing around her and started hurling curses at them. And not the magical kind. They scattered, hands over their ears as they made loud noises to drown out her words, and the witch glared at them before looking down at herself. Then she cursed some more, because _of course_ , she was duct-taped to the bed. Drawing up some more of her magic, she sent a cutting spell straight down the  center of her bonds, pushing the magic to both sides to make it part.  
  
It took the plastic wrap underneath with it, and so it was with great relief that Winnie was finally able to sit up. She threw some rocks she found at the strobe lights and sighed before getting up and making the mini-bathroom appear. She yelled in anger at the white powder and marker on her face, wetting a facial towel and scrubbing both off with a vengeance. Then, finding nothing else wrong, she turned to see the entirety of the cast _right behind her_.  
  
“Hi.”, she said simply, moving before anyone could react to capture Dani in a bone-crushing hug. Then she pranced over the Max and gave him a kiss on the cheek, laughing maniacally at the look on his face as she went back to her bed and took out a book. “Well.”, Phoenix said awkwardly, “That takes care of _one_ reviewer’s dares. Now. Mary, Winnie, was Mary telling the truth about Book?”.   
  
“Yes!”, the two witches called out in simultaneously bored tones, and Mary continued, “It was probably a good thing, too. I would have most likely used it to make a giant stew.”. Pointedly not asking what the stew would be made _of_ , Phoenix continued, “Alright, Sarah.  BadGirl4 wants to know why you turned into aaaaaa…..”, trailing off as he caught sight of the writing on the girls forehead. “Never mind.”, he amended cheerfully before looking at Mary and asking, “I’m curious about this too. Why the dog treats and raw meat?”.  
  
“There were wolves in the forest we lived in.”, Mary said distractedly as she studied her Book, and Phoenix shrugged before snapping his fingers. The entire cast was suddenly clad in black, multi-colored ties being the only decoration. “Disney medley time!”, Phoenix cackled, and the cast immediately turned and ran. Unfortunately for them they were almost immediately caught in one of those hanging net traps you tie to trees. “Ooooh…so close.”, Phoenix said sympathetically, then pressed play on a CD player. Max suddenly found himself singing.  
  
“Naaaaaants ingonyama! Bagithi baba!”, he crowed, and Thackery and Phoenix picked up the echo of, “Sithi uhhmm…igonyamaaa…”. “Naaaaaants ingonyama! Bagithi baba!”, Max repeated, and the background males echoed, “Sithi uhhmm…igonyamaaa…igonyama.”. Then the three of them began repeating, “Ingonyama nengw’ enambala…”, as Allison cleared her throat.  
  
“ _From the day we arrive on this planet  
and step, blinking, into the sun.   
There is more to see, than can ever be seen  
more to do, than can be ever be done!   
It’s the Ciiiiiircle of Liiiiiiife!   
And it moves us aaaaall!  
Through despair and hoooope!  
Through faith and looooove!   
‘Til we find our place!   
On this path unwinding!   
In the Circle… The Circle of Liiiife._ ”.  
  
Then the music abruptly changed, and the cast floundered for a moment before finding their new roles. Thackery, this time, picked up the main vocals.   
  
_“_ _I have often dreamed  
Of a far off place  
Where a great warm welcome   
Will be waiting for me  
Where the crowds will cheer  
When they see my face  
And a voice keeps saying  
This is where I'm meant to be!  
  
I will find my way  
I can go the distance  
I'll be there someday  
If I can be strong  
I know every mile  
Will be worth my while  
I would go most anywhere   
To feel like I belong.”.  
_  
 Then the tempo changed once again, and Phoenix began snapping in time to it as his cue came up.   
  
_“Now I’m the king of the swingers, oh  
The jungle VIP!   
I’ve reached the top  
And had to stop  
And that’s what’s botherin’ me!”._   
  
He rounded on Thackery and implored,   
  
_“I wanna be a man, mancub  
And stroll right into town  
And be just like the other men  
I’m tired of monkeyin’ around!  
Shooooh oobee doo!  
I wanna be like you-ou-ou!  
I wanna walk like you; talk like you, it’s true-ue-ue!  
You’ll see it’s true-ue-ue  
An ape like me-e-e  
Can learn to be – ooh – hu-u-u-man too-oo-oo!”.  
_  
 The music then slowed down again, and Max was given the lead once again.  
  
 _“I can see there’s so much to learn.  
It’s all so close, and yet so far.   
I see myself as people see me and,   
I just there’s bigger out there!   
I wanna know! Can you show me?!   
I wanna know about these strangers like me!   
Tell me more! Please show me!   
Something’s familiar ‘bout these strangers like meeee…”._  
  
And suddenly, Winnie was holding the microphone. Phoenix ran up and helpfully handed her a set of lyrics, and she glowered dangerously at him as she began to sing without meaning to. As she registered the lyrics, though, she turned her glare on Billy.  
  
 _“If there’s a prize for rotten judgement,  
I guess I’ve already won that.”,   
”No man is worth the aggravation-“,_ and here a violin cut in to the slow tempo,   
_“That’s ancient history. Been there, done that!”._   
Dani, Anne, and May jumped in with, _“Who’d’ya think you’re kiddin’?_   
_He’s the Earth and heaven to ya!  
Try to keep it hidden!   
Honey, we can see right through ya.  
Girl, ya can’t conceal it!  
We know how ya feel and who you’re thinkin’ of!”._   
  
Winnie’s  glare intensified as she groused,   
_“No chance, no way! I won’t say it, no no!”.  
“You swoon, you sigh, why deny it? Uh-oh.”, _ the three teased, and Winnie denied,   
_“It’s too cliché, I won’t say I’m in-“_ , stopping short and handing the mic to Dani.  
  
 _“Seven a.m., the usual morning line up.  
Start on the chores and sweep ‘til the floor’s all clean!  
Polish and wax, do laundry and mop ‘n shine up.  
Sweep again, and by then it’s like seven fifteen.  
And so I’ll read a book, or maybe two or three.  
I’ll add a few new paintings to my gallery.  
I’ll play guitar and knit and cook and basically  
just wonder when will my life begin?”._   
  
She smiled in relief and passed the mic to May.   
  
_“I wanna be where the people are.  
I wanna see, wanna see ‘em dancing.  
Walking around on those…_ whattaya’ call ‘em?   
Oh ya _, feet. Flippin’ your fins, you don’t get too far,_  
 _legs are required for jumping, dancing.  
Strolling along down the…_ what’s that word again?   
Oh…street _. Up where walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun!”._  
Then she grew quiet again and sang, ” _Wanderin’ free…wish I could be…part of that world…”._  
  
Then she brightened and passed the mic to Anne.  
  
“I don’t have time for dancing!”, she laughed into the mic, then sang,   
  
_“That’s just gonna have to wait a while.  
No I ain’t got time for messin’ around,  
it’s just not my style.  
This old town can slow you down,  
people takin’ the easy way…  
but I know exactly where I’m goin’ and I’m  -   
gettin’ closer every day!   
And I’m almost there!   
I’m almost there!   
People down here think I’m crazy, but I don’t care!   
Trials and tribulations…I’ve had my share.  
There ain’t nothing gonna stop me now ‘cause I’m already there.”._   
  
_“I remember Daddy told me: ‘Fairytales can come true!’”,_ she confided,   
_“’But you gotta make ‘em happen on your own!  
They all depend on you!’.  
So I work real hard each and every day,   
and now things for sure are goin’ my way.   
Just doin’ what I do, look out boys I’m comin’ through!”._  
  
She handed the mic to Sarah, who immediately began singing.   
  
_“Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I –  
 and let’s face it, who isn’t? Less fortunate than I?   
My tender heart tends to start to bleed.   
And when someone needs a makeover,  
 I simply have to takeover,  
 ‘cause I know I know **exactly**.   
What they need.  
 And even in your case,  
 though it’s the toughest case I’ve yet to face,  
don’t worry! I’m determined to succeed.   
Follow my lead and yes indeed.   
We’ll. Make. You… Popular.   
You’re gonna be pop-u-lar.  
I ‘ll teach you the proper ploys when you talk to boys  
Little ways to flirt and flounce.   
OOO! I’ll show you what shoes to wear, how to…fix that hair.   
Everything that really counts to be popular.   
You’re gonna be popular.   
You’ll hang with the right cohorts,   
You’ll be good at sports,   
You’ll know the slang you’ve got to know.  
So let’s start, ‘cause you’ve got an awfully long way to go.”._   
  
Sarah beamed and handed the mic to the last singer, Mary. She started immediately.  
  
 _“Food, glorious food! Hot sausage and mustard!  
While we're in the mood -- Cold jelly and custard!   
Pease pudding and saveloys! What next is the question?   
Rich gentlemen have it, poor people have indigestion!”,_ she sang heartily, and the others geared up to provide a harmony for the chorus.   
  
_“Food, glorious food! We're anxious to try it._  
Three banquets a day -- Our favourite diet!   
Just picture a great big steak -- Fried, roasted or stewed!   
Oh, food, wonderful food, marvellous food, glorious food!“.  
  
“Food, glorious food! What is there more handsome?   
Gulped, swallowed or chewed -- Still worth a kin’s ransom.   
What is it we dream about? What brings on a sigh?   
Piled peaches and cream, about six feet high!   
Food, glorious food!   
Eat right through the menu.   
Just loosen your belt for two inches and then you;   
Work up a new appetite quickly in this interlude --   
The food, once again, food, fabulous food, glorious food.”.   
  
“Well, that was fun, wasn’t it?”, Phoenix asked cheerfully, and the cast muttered something about pots of boiling oil and hosts. In the back of their minds, however, they were agreeing. “Now, I know Sarah’s wasn’t Disney, but it just seemed to fit. Alright, I think that’s it for this chapter!”, Phoenix cheered, but he stopped short when a far-off-sounding boom was heard. He tilted his head in confusion before a little girl encased in a giant hamster ball shot up through Cloud and into the air. “Phoenix!”, she shouted crazily, “Why won’t you let me be a contestant?!”. “OKAYSEEYANEXTTIMEBYE!”, Phoenix yelled hurriedly.

 


	13. Deceptions and Dates

                A swirling circle of blue energy suddenly opened on a strangely flat section of Cloud. A few moments later Phoenix shot up into the air through it, flipping a couple of times before landing in a crouch on Cloud. Flipping a switch on the strange device on his arm, he tossed it back through the portal right before it closed. Turning to the cast, he smiled a soft sort of smile and said, “We have more reviews.”.  
  
The cast immediately tensed, but that smile was keeping them from freaking out. Odd. Their illustrious host crossed over to a seemingly-random section of Cloud and made a strange gesture, and a technical-looking console rose up. He began typing quickly, pausing every so often to glance at what looked like a watch on his wrist before, suddenly, the terminal shut off.  
  
Another portal opened up, this one bigger than the last, and out of it rose what looked like a giant metal snake with a single, glowing eye. The cast all hid behind their beds as it began speaking. “I am the Genetic Life-form And Disc Operating System, or GLaDOS for short. I…lost a bet with your host, so I have to read your reviews to you.”, GLaDOS said, and the cast relaxed. Slightly.  
  
GLaDOS sighed and said, “Alright, let’s get this over with. Winnie is my fav, ”, shuddering at the slang, “, says that this is wonderful and hilarious. She says that Winnie and Billy are to go on a date, she asks why Satan gave Mary Book, and she asks Winnie about children: she knows that Winnie uses their life forces to make herself younger, but she asks if Winnie actually hates them.”.  
  
“Next,”, GLaDOS continues, “TwistedMind dictates that the entire cast has a Pokemon battle, owing to Allison’s obsession with them. She also says that Winnie, Sarah, Mary, Max, and Allison have to listen to every…single…one…of Justin Bieber’s songs, and…Twilight movie marathon. ‘Nuff said.”. Phoenix had to immobilize the cast to quell the panic that came after those words.”.  
  
“Finally, the last reviewer requested that her review be played back as a voice recording, so here.”, GLaDOS grumbled, and after a beep a girl’s voice issued forth in place of GLaDOS’: “Thackery! Thackery, dahling, I've missed you!”, she says, then a short pause. She continues, “Oh. Right. You don't know me. Well, in that case, let me introduce myself. Eponine Everdeen, at your service, dear Thackery.”. “At this point she bows.”, GLaDOS interjects, then the girl continues, “I have just one question for you, hun. What exactly were you thinking when the Sanderson Sisters were contemplating what they would do with you? Specifically, when Sarah asked to hang you on a hook and play with you. Well, bye, Thackery!”.   
  
A moment later, GLaDOS asked, “Can I go now? I have Science to do.”, and Phoenix smiled that small smile and nodded. “Thank you for your contribution, GLaDOS.”, he said quietly, but of course GLaDOS’ cybernetic ears picked it up, and she gave a short ‘hmmph’ as she retraced her path back through the portal. It closed shortly after.  
  
“Questions first, I think.”, Phoenix said, then mobilized Mary’s head, “Why _did_ Satan give you Book?”. Mary paused, seemingly calling back the memory, then said, “I think he had just woken up from a night of partying, because he was moaning and groaning about his head hurting and shielding his eyes from the sun. He really just threw Book at us, didn’t really look at which, then left after saying something about ‘evil’ and ‘make me proud’.”. “Interesting…”, Phoenix mused, filing the information away for later before freeing Mary entirely.  
  
He freed Winnie’s head next, asking her, “So, _do_ you really hate children?”, and she answered immediately. “Yes.”, she said promptly, “Always whining, always crying, always with the ‘but she took my’ and the ‘well he hit me first’. Always asking ‘can I have this’ and ‘can I have that’. Drove me insane.”. Phoenix nodded, seemingly in understanding, before freeing Winnie too.  
  
Phoenix turned and unfroze Thackery’s head, asking him, “So, what _were_ you thinking when they were contemplating what to do with you?”. “I was wondering how they were going to kill me.”, he said, with an almost practiced ease, “Would it be slow and painful, or quick? Would they make me suffer first, or just end it?”. Phoenix’s small smile widened a fraction, and he began walking closer to Thackery.  
  
“Thackery, Thackery, Thackery…”, he admonished softly, “I don’t take it well when people lie. Now, tell the truth, or…”, and his now-sharpened fingernail trailed lightly down Thackery’s cheek, drawing a thin line of blood, “You won’t have a tongue to tell it with.”. Thackery’s fear-widened eyes looked at Phoenix’s soft, smiling face, and he gulped before admitting, “I was wondering exactly what ‘playing with me’ meant.”.  
  
Phoenix gazed at Thackery at moment longer before withdrawing his nail and stepping back. “Good kitty.”, Phoenix said airily, healing the cut on Thackery’s cheek with a gesture before turning to Max, Dani, and Allison. He charmed Thackery to see and hear him thinking, and the others doing nothing, before unfreezing the three’s heads. Then he burst out laughing.  
  
“Did you see his face?!”, he managed to get out, and the three, realizing it had all been a joke, began laughing too. Only Dani stayed silent, gazing quizzically at Phoenix, and the host managed to stop laughing long enough to ask, “Yes?”. “Well, he was a teenager, same age as he is now, right?”, she asked, and Phoenix nodded, still holding back his laughs. “So, wouldn’t he have an idea of what ‘playing with him’ meant?”, she asked, and Phoenix composed himself.  
  
“Dani.”, he began, “He said that to save face. What he meant was, ‘I was fantasizing in excruciating detail about what that would mean’, but what he said was a version of that. It was acceptable.”. Dani nodded in understanding with a small ‘oh’, then began laughing too.  
  
After they got all of their laughs out, Phoenix resumed his distant, softly-smiling persona and undid the spells on Thackery. Thackery crossed Cloud to stand beside the now-unfrozen main characters with a poorly-concealed fear. Phoenix pretended not to notice –or care –and instead unfroze Billy. After a bit of chanting and a blaze of light, Billy was back to how he looked when he was alive (which really wasn’t that much different than his zombie appearance).  
  
His skin was tanned instead of green, his body was no longer sunken and sallow, his hair was, instead of lank and dirty, clean and light. His teeth were clean and his eyes had a spark of life in them once more. Perhaps most importantly of all, his breath was minty fresh.  
  
“Did Billy betray you before or after you got Book?”, Phoenix question Winnie with a look a fake faux-curiosity. To anyone looking, it would seem that his asking was merely a formality as he already knew. It was, however, simply another layer to his creepy persona, as he actually _didn’t_. “Yes.”, she replied testily, and Phoenix’s smile grew a bit. “Does Book have any spells to tempt someone away from his beloved?”, he asked patiently, again looking as if he already knew.  
  
“Well yes, of course, but I don’t see how that oh.”, she said, suddenly stopping as it clicked. Phoenix nodded, eyes closed, then said to the cast, “Sarah, it seemed, grew jealous of Winnie when she grew close with the one man that refused her advances. She cast a spell to steal Billy away from Winnie, but that wasn’t enough, oh no. She had to rub it in Winnie’s face. So, she arranged for them to get…caught. The rest is, quite literally, history.”.  
  
And that is how Sarah Sanderson became disowned from the family.  
  
“Alright, now that _that’s_ out of the way, why don’t you two go out on a date to catch up on lost time?”, Phoenix suggested, and Winnie looked at him in surprise. “You’d let us?”, she asked incredulously, and Phoenix’s ever-present smile grew a bit more genuine. “There are many things somebody of my power can interfere in, but none of those things is love.”, he said, waving his hand to create a portal to the surface. Winnie walked towards it quickly – because of course, nobody who valued their lives would _ever_ say that she skipped happily – as Phoenix stopped Billy.  
  
He pressed a wallet into his hands and said quickly, “This wallet will have money whenever you need it to. You know her better than I, but a date nowadays usually consists of dinner and a movie. Dinner anywhere without a drive-thru, but I’m not really sure about the movie. Horror wouldn’t really have an effect on her, I’m sure.”.  
  
He pushed the man toward the portal and Winnie, and Billy looked over his shoulder to give Phoenix an appreciative smile before Winnie pulled him through the portal. It closed with an echo of excited chatter.  
  
“Well then, that’s it for this chapter I’m afraid. The other two dares need Winnie and Billy to complete, so they’ll have to wait until next time.”, Phoenix said softly, “Review if you want Thackery to keep his tongue.”. Glancing behind him at the now-fearful Thackery, he begins snickering.


	14. Tut Tut, Readers

A hushed conversation could be heard as an inconspicuous couple walked slowly down the street, glancing every-so-often at the numbers adorning the houses. Finally they caught sight of the one they were looking for, and as one they climbed the steps and opened the door. Instead of the front hall one would expect there was only a thick, slightly glowing fogbank obstructing the sight of any who would try to sneak a peek, but the undeterred couple simply walked right into it and closed the door behind them.  
  
Up on Cloud, Winnie and Billy tiptoed silently past the beds of the other cast members as they, for lack of a better term, snuck back in. However, as soon as they sat down on Winnie’s bed, the sun flashed on and the pretend-sleeping cast members sat straight up. In the middle of the circle of beds stood Phoenix, the host, smiling softly as he gazed at the two adults. “I’m not going to ask you where you’ve been.”, he stated quietly, “I sent you out on a date at around nine o’clock last night, and it’s now five in the morning. I think it’s pretty obvious what happened.”.  
  
The couple blushed as the cast members fake gagged (probably), but the host wasn’t finished yet. “What isn’t obvious is whether or not we’re going to have a new cast member.”, he continued, stepping closer to Winnie and waving what looked like a TV antennae in the direction of her stomach. He flipped it over to look at the flat side, then looked at Winnie and said simply, “Congratulations.”.  
  
As Winnie began hyperventilating the antennae exploded into motes of light that flitted away into nothingness, and the cast waited expectantly for something else to happen. When nothing else came, Dani’s brows furrowed as she asked, “Uh...Phoenix?”. “Mmmm?”, he hummed, studying his nails, and Dani continued, “Is there...anything else?”. “Nope.”, he answered, “Nobody reviewed.”. A few moments later, however, his eyes suddenly snapped up to look at Dani, and that small smile of his grew just a bit more...pronounced.  
  
“Actually...”, he began, “Now that you mention it, there _is_ something I have to do.”. Thackery suddenly found himself strapped down to an operating table, an odd metal device forcing his mouth open. Phoenix stood over him, eyes glinting as he studied the surgical scalpel in his hand. “Tut tut, readers. You must not like Thackery very much.”, he admonished absently, running his thumb down the sharp edge. A thin line of blood welled up, and he nodded approvingly. Thackery, though, had remembered the promise made at the end of last chapter, and he was desperately trying to save his tongue.  
  
“What about the dares you didn’t get to?!”, he pleaded around the spring in his mouth, but Phoenix only said absently, “They don’t count.”, as he rinsed the scalpel in alcohol. Thackery whined in fear, his eyes darting around as he searched for another point he could make. “How am I gonna answer truths?!”, he asked, a little more panicked than before, and Phoenix paused for a moment before answering, “Type it out, or write it down.”.  
  
The other cast members were pounding frantically on the barrier Phoenix had erected around them, and even the Sisters were looking mildly worried. Phoenix waggled his fingers at them cheerfully, plucking the now-clean scalpel out of the alcohol and turning to Thackery. He was still smiling. “Now don’t worry...”, he began, sitting down on a stool beside Thackery, “This won’t hurt a bit.”. A terrified yell, a second of silence, and then...  
  
A pain-filled shriek.


	15. Fakeouts and Fighting

“I really should change that alert.”, Phoenix observed, setting the unused scalpel down and pulling out his phone. He unlocked it and read the screen, and then pouted. “Oh boo. Someone reviewed.”, he groused, glancing down at Thackery, who had fainted from fear. He leaned down and whispered in Thackery’s ear, “Looks like you get to keep your tongue, little boy.”, grinning as the sleeping boy shuddered in fear. He lowered the barrier around them and sighed forlornly to the rest of the cast, vanishing the scalpel and surgical tray.  
  
“Someone reviewed.”, he said simply, and the cast sighed in a mix of relief and exasperation. Thackery was safe, sure, but...it was a review. “Actually, less like a review and more of a flame. For Winnie.”, he continued, “Something about you being ugly and having to live with it. Obviously they don’t remember your recovered youth in chapter eight.”. “Obviously.”, Winnie said dryly, and Phoenix nodded before clapping his hands together.  
  
“Everybody take a few minutes to compile your team for the Pokémon battle! No legendaries!”, he shouted, conjuring six Pokéballs and a PC for everyone. He began typing furiously, glancing occasionally at a book he had pulled from nothing and grinning a bit wider with every word. Everyone else was doing the same, some with a careless abandon and others (Allison) with careful consideration. Half an hour later everybody was ready, and with a quick snap of Phoenix’s fingers, a battle arena sprang into being.  
  
“This will be a standard one-on-one battle. Both challengers will be allowed to substitute Pokémon, but only held items are allowed. The winners will move on to the next round of battles.”, Phoenix announced, standing in the referee’s spot. Allison grinned in anticipation, and Billy merely nodded. Phoenix glanced between the two, then pointed straight up with a dramatic cry of, “Battle!”.  
  
Billy threw out Golurk, the Automaton Pokémon and a Ground/Flying type. Allison considered this for a moment, then threw out Starmie. Wasting no time, she cried out, “Starmie, Ice Beam!”, and Starmie’s gem glowed briefly before a freezing cold beam shot towards Golurk. “Dodge!”, Billy cried, and Golurk jumped out of the way with a surprising speed. “Allison starts out strong right out of the gate, but Golurk’s too fast for her Starmie. Those ancient creators knew what they were doing!”, Phoenix commented in the split second this took.  
  
“Magnitude!”, Billy ordered, and Phoenix announced, “Magnitude seven!”. Golurk became outlined in a brown energy, quickly jumping high into the air before crashing back down. The cast wobbled in their seats a bit, Billy and Allison falling to one knee to avoid injury as the shockwave passed. Starmie was affected by the attack much more severely, and was thrown into the air by the force of it. It thumped down shortly after before jumping up. “Use Psychic to hold it in place, then use and Ice Beam again!”, Allison ordered, and Starmie was outlined in a blue aura shortly before Golurk was. Starmie charged up Ice Beam again, and Billy yelled, “Dodge it!”, but Psychic held true. “An ingenious combination of attacks! It’s super effective, and Golurk has been frozen!”, Phoenix supplied as ice spread over the golem’s body.  
  
“Starmie, Surf!”, Allison told it, and the humans were immediately surrounded by bubbles. Water gathered around the starfish Pokémon, whipping itself into a frothing frenzy before surging forward to batter the frozen Golurk. “And Golurk is helpless to avoid the onslaught of this detrimental deluge.”, Phoenix announced dramatically, “What will our former zombie do?”. Billy looked on in annoyed horror, then perked up and shouted, “Golurk! Mega Punch the ice!”. Energy flowed down Golurk’s arm from the seal on its chest, flickering around its fist as it pounded its frosty prison.  
  
Finally the ice gave way, and with Billy’s cry of, “Rollout!”, Golurk shot up through the water and barrelled into Starmie. The waters receded as Starmie was knocked away, but Billy wasn’t finished yet. “Earthquake!’, he shouted, and Phoenix explained, “It’s super effective due to Golurk’s height above the battlefield.”. Indeed, Golurk was falling from much higher than it usually would, slamming down onto the battlefield. Starmie flew through the air as rocks rained down around it, some making contact with painful-looking hits. As the dust settled, a battered-looking Starmie struggled up from its position on the ground. Allison growled.  
  
“Alright, that’s it!”, she shouted, pointing dramatically at Golurk, “Starmie, contingency plan Alpha!”. Starmie nodded, then began whipping up another Surf. Instead of riding the wave to Golurk it merely sent it ahead, waiting until the significantly-weakened attack was right on top of it before glowing a Psychic blue. The water swept Golurk up, battering it from all sides as it rose in the air. Starmie let loose a continuous Ice Beam at it, the swirling sphere of water freezing slowly but steadily. Finally, Golurk was completely trapped, but Starmie wasn’t finished yet. With an inarticulate cry Starmie flung the icy sphere high into the air, letting the Psychic go for a moment before sending it hurtling toward the ground. Phoenix hastily erected shields in front of all those watching, and not a moment too soon. Golurk hit a second later, shards of ice exploding in all directions.  
  
“Well...”, Phoenix began in the silence that followed, “That was certainly something to behold. Let’s see what effect it had on Golurk.”. Phoenix flew over to the crater containing Golurk, and after a tense couple of seconds Phoenix announced, “And...Golurk is unable to battle! Allison is the winner!”. With a flash, a badge depicting a Pokéball appeared in front of Allison, and she reached out to take it reverently. She gazed at it a bit longer before looking at Starmie. “You did wonderfully, Starmie! Take a well-deserved rest.”, she said sincerely, and Starmie let out a tired yet happy, “Starmie.”, before being recalled to its Pokéball.  
  
“You tried, Golurk, but I’m just not experienced enough at this. Sorry.”,Billy was saying to his defeated Pokémon. “Golurk...”, it said sadly, putting a hand on Billy’s shoulder in comfort, and Billy smiled at it before saying, “Thanks, Golurk. Go take a break.”, and recalling it. They trekked off the field and into the stands, shaking hands before sitting down.   
  
“Now that right there is a prime example of good sportsmanship.”, Phoenix said happily, marking Allison down as the winner before looking at the roster. “Next up we have...Dani versus Winnie!”, he announced, and Dani jogged down to the now-repaired battlefield excitedly. Winnie followed her at a much more subdued pace, and once they were situated Phoenix repeated the rules. Then, with a cry of, “Battle!”, they were off.  
  
Winnie sent out Spiritomb immediately, yelling out, “Nasty Plot!”, as Dani threw out her Clefary. Spiritomb adopted an evil grin as plans filled it’s mind, but it was forced to abandon them when Dani ordered, “Meteor Mash!”. Solid energy encased Clefary’s fist as it rushed forward, and it was a direct hit to Spiritomb. It staggered back and growled at Clefary, then shot a Dark Pulse as per Winnie’s orders. “It’s super effective due to Nasty Plot’s effects.”, Phoenix added as Clefary was thrown back by the dark energy  
  
 It staggered to its feet as Dani yelled, “Cosmic Power!”, and Phoenix supplied, “Its Special Defence and Defence go up.”, as cosmic energy swirled around Clefary. “Ominous Wind!”, Winnie called out just as Cosmic Power finished, and the dark gale battered Clefary. Clefary smirked, protected by Cosmic Power, and then, at Dani’s call, began wiggling its finger. “Oh, a wildcard has been thrown out! Clefary uses Metronome!”, Phoenix calls excitedly, waiting earnestly to see what move Clefary would use. Finally, Clefary opened its mouth and began to Sing. “Oooh, Sing. Spiritomb will be asleep any minute now!”, Phoenix said softly as the song continued, blinking hard to stay awake. Spiritomb tried it too, but it was no match for Clefary’s almost unearthly voice. Soon it was snoozing quietly.  
  
“Alrighty then.”, Dani said with a grin, “Wake-Up Slap followed by Meteor Mash!”. Clefary darted forward and slapped Spiritomb, then reared back and punched the spirit with a fist encased in rock and power. Spiritomb retracted back into its keystone after a few moments of struggling to rise, and Phoenix cried, “Spiritomb is unable to battle. Dani is the winner!”. Dani cheered happily and went over to shake Winnie’s hand, ignoring the angry grumbling coming from the redhead, before returning to her seat beside Emily and Anne. “And that concludes the battles for this chapter!”, Phoenix announced, then elaborated, “Two battles will take place each chapter, after that chapter’s dares, until we have a winner of our little tournament! Until next time,ta ta!”.


	16. Teens, Beaches, Movies

“I’m bored,” Phoenix announced with slight disappointment, drawing lazy circles with the scalpel on a terrified Thackery’s cheek, “Nobody’s reviewed yet. I miss the screams…”   
  
Thackery’s eye started twitching, and Dani, fearing for her maybe boyfriend, spoke up, “How about you write out another two Pokémon battles? Oh, and wasn’t there something about movies that you missed?”   
  
Phoenix’s eyes flicked to her, interested, before a small smile played onto his face.   
  
“Oh, yes. I’d forgotten,” he confessed lightly, taking his phone out to re-read the reviews. He then checked the actual chapters for any mention of the thing he had forgotten and found nothing. He smiled softly and said, “Well well well, I  _ am  _ embarrassed.”   
  
A quick snap of his fingers found the cast seated in a small screening room, popcorn and drinks in their hands and Snuggie-like blankets pinning them to the seats. Phoenix stood up front with a microphone in his hand, smiling ever-so-slightly. “Welcome, cast, to the movie marathon I missed. You can thank Dani for reminding me about it, but TwistedMind reviewed chapter twelve with a dare for…” he paused for effect, then finished, “…a Twilight marathon.”   
  
The cast began screaming.   
  
“Yes, yes, it’s horrible, I know. But, as the plaque says: ‘We shall always do our best, even for the most ridiculous request’. So get watching. Anne, May, and I are off to the beach. Ta!” he said, waving goodbye, before he, May, and Anne vanished. A moment later…it started.

* * *

 

A scream rent the air of the tropical island, tearing the peaceful silence asunder. Phoenix cracked an eye open and snickered as the girls played around in the water, seeing who could dive the deepest. It seems they hadn’t heard, and he didn’t feel like expending the effort to point it out to them, so he went back to sleep.

* * *

 

The three OCs winked back into existence on Cloud at the same time the cast did. They all looked horrible; sunken, bloodshot eyes, a harrowed look, mussed hair…it was horrible. All except Dani and Emily, who looked as happy and chipper as ever.   
  
“How are you two so unaffected?” Phoenix asked curiously, and Dani replied, “I learned to tune out things I don’t like after a couple years of school.”   
  
Emily nodded and added, “And I learned after a couple of long rants from my father.”   
  
Phoenix blinked at them, then said, “Useful.”   
  
He turned to the rest of the cast, then back to the girls and said, “I don’t think they’re in any sort of condition to have a Pokémon battle, so…wanna come back to the beach with us?”   
  
The girls nodded furiously, and the five vanished again.


	17. A Little Wound Up

The five who had left to go to the beach appeared back on Cloud, laughing at a joke Dani had told seconds previously and deftly avoiding the booby traps the rest of the cast had erected. Once they reached the circle of beds, Phoenix set them aflame, raising an eyebrow at the host of spiders, snakes, and bugs that scurried for safety.  
  
“My my,” he drawled, “ _Somebody’s_ in a cranky mood.”   
  
”Well, you _did_ subject them to the entirety of the Twilight series,” Dani pointed out, and Phoenix replied with a light smile, “Only because you reminded me, Dani.”   
  
Three poisonous darts impacted a shield of light, millimeters away from piercing Dani’s neck and most likely inflicting all manner of illness on her. The shield and darts dissolved, and then there was a slight shudder as Cloud rid itself of anything _else_ that might have been set up there.   
  
Looking around, Emily asked, “Where do you suppose they all are?” and indeed, Cloud was empty.

After a moment, Anne spoke up, “Did you ever get rid of those candy compartments from Halloween?” and after a couple of blinks Phoenix smiled sheepishly.  
  
A snap of his fingers revealed a set of rickety stairs had been built into the side of one of the cavernous holes, and with a glance at his companions Phoenix made his way down. They creaked and wobbled with every step until, finally, Phoenix gave an annoyed huff and simply stepped off. He quickly plummeted to the bottom and slowed down exponentially, settling lightly on the floor and looking up to see...   
  
Well.   
  
That was unexpected.   
  
Left to stew in their own devices and Twilight-induced madness, the cast had degraded into a host of vampire-centric savages. Their mouths frothed with pinkish foam, their eye-teeth had been sharpened to points, they wore impeccable replicas of the costumes from the movie (coated in glitter), and they had a poor little werewolf tied up in the middle of a ritual circle.   
  
“Niiiice,” Phoenix drawled, freeing the poor boy with a flick of his wrist and sending him home. He crossed his arms and looked with unimpressed eyes upon the cast that was now menacingly advancing on him, then pinched the bridge of his nose. “I leave for a couple of hours and you all degrade into a pack of werewolf-hating cosplayers. Where did I go wrong?” he lamented, looking to the sky in question. When no answer was forthcoming, he sighed and restored everyone’s sanity, bringing everyone out of the bed and up to Cloud.   
  
What followed next was a series of high-pitched shrieks as the cast realized what they were wearing, and after a brief interlude of flailing (during which the witches were shoved back into the bed), they violently tore the costumes off. Dani got a few good shots of Thackery with a camera Phoenix slipped her, and Anne was simply wondering why vampires felt the need to not wear underwear. Eventually, though, everyone calmed down and dressed more appropriately. The witches were thrown down their usual clothing and they emerged a few minutes later, still twitching from the madness (or perhaps the fall had jarred something).   
  
After a marathon of _actual_ movies, hot chocolate flowing freely and popcorn popping up everywhere, the cast was finally back to normal (except for Thackery, who was frantically trying to get those pictures back from Dani). Sitting around a campfire in comfortable clothing, sipping hot chocolate as the moon shone down on them, Phoenix pulled out his phone. The cast immediately stiffened, but relaxed when the only thing Phoenix asked was, “So Winnie, Billy…Shegoismyfav wants to know how you two feel about the baby.”   
  
A few minutes of silence ensued, Billy and Winnie glancing between each other and the rest of the cast eyeing them curiously, before Winnie admitted, “I…I’m not sure _how_ I feel. I still hate children with the burning passion of a thousand suns!” clenching her fists, then adopted a confused look and continued, “But I…I guess I’ve just…always wondered how it felt. To…you know…be a mother.”   
  
The entire cast had to bite the insides of their cheeks to refrain from making any cooing noises. They would have made her mad.   
  
“I’m overjoyed,” Billy said simply, “To be able to share something this special with the woman I love is…amazing.”   
  
Then, after a moment of silence, he added, “I have to admit, though, I’m not looking forward to the mood swings.”   
  
Everyone laughed at this, even Winnie.   
  
Phoenix smiled softly, looking around at the cast he had come to like (though he’d violently deny it if asked), then began typing out something on his phone:   
  
_No Justin Beiber this chapter, Shego. I like the mood. And King Kierain? Next chapter as well._   
  
He let it hang for a few moments, then deleted it.


	18. Chapter 18

"Beep," Phoenix chirped brightly as he moved the ultrasound over Winnie's stomach, "Beep.”   
  
He gave the witch a bright smile as she glanced at him, irritated, and fell silent. A few moments passed, surprisingly peaceful.   
  
“Beep."   
  
"You are not operating a sonar! Stop with that infernal noise!" Winnie snapped, and Phoenix shot her a glare before returning his gaze to the screen.   
  
"Stress and anger are not good for a baby's development," he warned offhandedly, and Winnie sneered at him.   
  
"Neither is being held in  _ this  _ place," she snapped, and Phoenix gave her an amused look.   
  
"Au contraire, mademoiselle. Here you get free healthcare, which is more than I can say for down there," he said, gesturing to the city of Salem far below, "Especially since you're supposed to be dead right about now."   
  
"A simple spell would take care of that," she said dismissively, but Phoenix scoffed.   
  
"All your magic is going towards nurturing the baby. You don't have enough fire to spark gas. And even if you did, using any of it would be detrimental to the baby," he told her, and Winnie paled significantly.   
  
"Do you mean to tell me that even if I  _ do _ have some magic left to me, I can't use it?!" she screeched, and Phoenix smirked.   
  
"That is correct," he said simply, and Winnie stared at him before glaring down at her stomach.   
  
"If you weren't inside of me, I'd claw your eyes out," she hissed.   
  
"It doesn't  _ have  _ eyes yet," Phoenix pointed out, then commented, "Although the development is much further along than I'd expect. Must be the rich magical environment. I'd say your term has been reduced by at least a third, maybe even a half."   
  
"The less time I have this thing leeching off of me, the better," she said firmly, but Phoenix only laughed loudly.   
  
"This 'thing', as you so lovingly referred to it, will be leeching off of you for years to come. Motherhood is a full time job with a no-release contract," he told her, and she grew even paler. If that was at all possible.   
  
"Years...?" she questioned weakly, eyes unfocused, before letting her head loll back and dropping off into a faint.   
  
Phoenix chuckled and let the ultrasound vanish, lowering Winnie's shirt again before getting rid of the curtains too. The cast, milling about doing whatever it is casts do in their downtime, immediately shifted their gaze to their smiling host as one, and only Thackery's calming hand on his shoulder prevented Billy from rushing right over.   
  
"She's ahead of schedule by a couple of weeks, most likely because of all the magic helping the cellular reproduction along. It should be recognizable by the middle of next month, the gender becoming apparent by then, and a few weeks after that it'll form its own magical core," he reported happily, and everybody relaxed marginally.   
  
"So she's okay?  _ They're _ okay?" Billy asked hopefully, and Phoenix paused minutely.   
  
"For now," he allowed, then explained hurriedly, "Not to say that there'll be complications. But her morning sickness, cravings, and mood swings will start within the week, and that will be... _ interesting. _ "   
  
"Why?" Dani asked curiously, and Phoenix grimaced.   
  
"She's not allowed to use magic until a few weeks after giving birth, to allow proper formation of the baby's magic and full recovery of hers. Therefore, she'll need a lot of solid objects to throw in order to relieve her anger," he said, and the cast flinched reflexively as Winnie suddenly growled in her sleep.   
  
" _ That'll _ be fun," Allison said sarcastically, and Dani made an amused noise.   
  
"Indeed," Phoenix said dryly, then smiled and clapped his hands together. "In the meantime, the cameras are on and the stage is set. Reviews have arrived!" he cheered, and from the ceiling thousands of letters rained down on the cast. Plucking one from midair, he tore it open with faux ceremony and pulled the paper out as the rest of them burst into clouds of smoke.   
  
The cast hadn't even attempted to run away, knowing by now that it was futile, and with a smirk Phoenix balled the paper up and threw it into the air. It too turned to smoke, thick black stuff that swirled through the air to form the words of the truths and dares.   
  
_ Ohhhh love this story! _

_ Um, truths... Oh, I know! Winnie and Billy, what gender do you hope the baby is? _ __   
__   
All eyes turned to Billy, who glanced around before shrugging. "I don't care really, as long as they're happy and healthy," he said with a smile, "I think it's the same for Winnie, although who really knows with her?"   
  
"True enough," Phoenix said with a shrug, and the smoke promptly rearranged itself.   
  
_ Sarah and Mary...how do you feel about your sister 'getting some' and it having a result before either of you two have a solid boyfriend? Also how do feel about Billy technically defiling your oldest sister and knocking her up? Plus how do you feel about becoming aunts? _ __   
__   
"Uncaring, uncaring, and excited to spoil them rotten," Sarah listed in a bored tone, not looking up from the book she was reading.   
  
Mary nodded in agreement, only adding, "It'll be interesting teaching a child how to cook and clean and do magic instead of just eating them for a change."   
  
The rest of the cast shuddered as Sarah looked up, glancing at her sister and admitting, "I hadn't thought of that. Yes, it'll be quite interesting."   
  
"Rightio, moving on from whatever the heck  _ that  _ was..." Phoenix stated quickly, waving his hand to reshape the smoke again.   
  
_ Allison...have you ever defeated any of the Pokemon Champions before? _ __   
__   
The blonde immediately began laughing hysterically, collapsing to the ground from the force of her giggles and chuckles and guffaws, and behaving rather like a raving hyena until she was gasping on the ground with no more air to breath and no more tears of laughter to shed. Beckoning Max over, she grasped his arm and heaved herself up, steadying herself on his shoulder until she could reliably stand on her own. Taking a few more deep breaths, she looked at Phoenix.   
  
"All of them," she stated gravely, and Phoenix nodded to her just as seriously.   
  
"Of course," he said, moving on without further ado.   
  
_ Max...just how much of a prude are you? _ __   
__   
"I'm not a prude!" he protested hotly.   
  
"Penis," Anne said absently as she and Emily strolled past the group and gestured the food counter into existence, and Max's face immediately reddened like a Christmas ornament.   
  
"I do believe you  __ are  a prude. Next!" Phoenix called, and the smoke moved again.

_ Dares now... _

_Billy must try to fight off the two magically empowered Sanderson Sisters he didn't knock up without any help...and he must also deal with Winnie's mood swings and cravings without saying a single unkind thing to herl. It IS his fault after all._  
  
"Too boring," Mary yawned as she settled back into the couch, "I'd rather watch the television."  
  
And indeed, it seemed that she had somehow conjured a working television into existence. Wipeout was on, in case you were wondering.  
  
"You'll get to beat up Butcherson..." Phoenix wheedled convincingly, and both Sisters immediately snapped to attention.  
  
"We're listening," Sarah said shortly, and Billy began backing away slowly.  
  
"Don't kill him," Phoenix told them sternly, and Billy's face drained of color.  
  
"And...?" Mary prompted, rolling her hands, and Billy began sweating profusely.  
  
"And what?" Phoenix asked innocently, and that's when Billy turned tail and ran.  
  
Both Sisters immediately started giggling psychotically, a purple and red glow blooming into existence from under their skin. It grew brighter as their laughter intensified before suddenly, they both burst alight with demonic fire, lavender and blood-red flames licking over at their clothes and skin as they both turned to the fleeing man.  
  
"It's _play time!_ " they screeched, eyes glowing, and launched into the air with trails of sparks and aether following them. Fireballs, ice spears, and bolts of pure magic shot from their hands as they chased the former zombie, and soon they were out of sight. Only an ominous glow over the horizon signaled where they were, and every so often booming impacts and bright flashes reached the cast.  
  
"Well that should be interesting to fix," Phoenix said flatly, fluttering his fingers at the smoke again.  
  
 _Dani, I dare you to not only kiss Thackery (if only because you don't get enough dares and I felt like not tormenting you) full on the lips...but you also have to go out on a date with him...hopefully without coming back with another contestant._ _  
_ __  
Allison immediately tackled Max to the ground, yelling as she held down the struggling teen, "GO! RUN! I'LL HOLD HIM OFF!", and the rather disturbed Dani and Thackery floundered for a moment before running up to Phoenix. He gave them a cheery grin, handed Dani a thick stack of bills, and vanished them with a snap of his fingers.  
  
After some consideration, he also sent Max to sleep. None too soon, one might add, for he wouldn’t have liked to be awake for what came next.  
  
Mary and Sarah appeared on the horizon, still glowing with their unrestrained power and heading back to the cast. They had a limp figure dangling in between them, holding one arm each, and as they got closer it became apparent that the figure was none other than Billy Butcherson.  
  
They dropped him roughly as they came in for a landing, a bit out of breath but otherwise none the worse for wear, and it took a second for everyone to take in what they were seeing.  
  
Mary, apparently, had better control over what her magic did, but Sarah was a different story. Perhaps it was the lack of control she was allowing herself to have at the prospect of beating Butcherson ‘round the bend, but her clothing had not escaped her magic’s wrath.  
  
One leg of her stockings had completely burned away. She was still decent, thankfully, but it now looked like she was wearing half a pair of pants with half a pair of shorts. Her dress was now more petticoat-ish, ending around her hips, and the neckline had also burned away to expose a striped undershirt. She made for a quite familiar picture, but there was no time for that now.  
  
“Might we have some ideas? I’ve so many I can’t choose between them all,” she intoned lowly, the magic in her system infusing her voice with a low growling noise, and Phoenix immediately gave a bright smile.  
  
“I have just the thing. It’s simple, but that just means everybody can join in!” he exclaimed happily, moving past them and kneeling down beside Billy. Taking hold of his collar, he gave a mighty heave and threw the guy into the air.  
  
“Don’t let him touch the ground, ladies!” he roared, and they took to the challenge with renewed vigor. Magic was silently agreed upon to be cheating about five minutes in, so they resorted to volleyball-like moves and painful-looking uppercuts.  
  
The sun was just beginning to poke itself above the horizon when Phoenix called time and collapsed into bed, for once not opting to sleep on the surface. The rest of the cast was also tired, so much so that they couldn’t capitalize on this rare opportunity.  
  
Shame.


	19. Chapter 19

Winnie leaned over the side of her chair and threw up for the third time in half an hour, staining the clouds green and showering some poor, unsuspecting soul down below with half-digested food matter. Phoenix, not looking up from his book, snapped his fingers, and that particular section of Cloud caught fire immediately. It was soon replaced with a newly pristine, unblemished surface, and Phoenix gave a small smile before returning to his reading.   
  
"Why is her morning sickness this bad? She shouldn't have anything left to throw up," Allison commented confusedly from her bed, sketching idly in a book Phoenix had conjured for her, then added, "And besides, she's only a week along."   
  
"Must be her magic reacting with the miracle of life," May said knowingly, keeping an eye on a simmering potion, "It's so positive, and her magic's so not, that they’re both warring inside of her and causing turmoil."   
  
"So I'm sick because I can't get along with my child. Perfect," Winnie muttered sarcastically, raising the self-refilling glass of water to her lips and taking a long sip from it. She swished it around and spat it out, showering the same poor, unsuspecting soul down below with a surprise rainstorm. Said soul decided to give up on the day and turned around to go home.   
  
"Wait until the teenage years. You'll  _ wish _ it was as easy as barfing all your problems away," Max advised, then paused and finished, "Or at least that's what I've heard."   
  
Allison snickered in amusement, then frowned and looked around in confusion.   
  
"Where's Dani? Usually she'd have some dry comeback for something like that," the girl wondered, and Phoenix glanced up at her minutely before hiding behind his book.   
  
"I do believe she and Thackery were planning on doing a jigsaw puzzle together," he said airily, and Max looked up in surprise.   
  
"Really? I thought Dani hated those things," he said, and Phoenix shot a helpless look at May before clearing his throat.   
  
"A jigsaw puzzle with only two pieces," he clarified.   
  
Max blinked as Allison buried her head in the Cloud and began laughing uproariously, looking around in confusion as all three Sisters snickered at his cluelessness and Anne shared a smirk with May. "What?" he questioned obliviously, and Phoenix pulled his book higher.   
  
"Not doing this," he said obstinately, drawing his knees up to his chest in order to appear smaller, and May laughed.   
  
"Oh c'mon, you can kidnap three teenagers without anybody noticing but you can't tell one that his sister is-" she began, but then a magical hand slapped itself over her mouth and her next words were muffled.   
  
"My sister is  _ what _ ?" Max demanded, now rather annoyed, and Winnie heaved an impatient sigh.   
  
"Your sister and the Binx boy are rubbing privates," she said plainly, and Phoenix burst into flames as May and Anne began cackling loudly. Allison burrowed the rest of herself into the Cloud as Max jumped up, enraged, and Mary was too engrossed in a television show to care.   
  
Surprisingly, it was Sarah that came to the rescue.   
  
"Calm yourself, Max Dennison," she instructed firmly, gripping his shoulder and shoving him back down to the ground, "She is technically of the proper age to engage in such activities according to the societal standards of this era, and so you have no right to stop her."   
  
"The only reason she's of age is because she altered her body with magic! She doesn't have enough life experience to decide something like that!" he yelled, enraged, and Sarah glared at him.   
  
"Magic is more than capable of giving her such knowledge, and I doubt Dani is not so unintelligent as to neglect something of such import," Sarah told him, "And besides, such restrictions are only due to today's standards. In Thackery's time, she would be  _ more  _ than old enough to decide for herself these things."   
  
"But we're not in his time!" Max yelled, and Sarah looked to be about two and a half seconds from slapping him unconscious when a tiny little voice spoke up.   
  
"Uhm...what activities?"   
  
Everyone froze, utterly and completely, as little Emily Binx stared up at them with innocently-curious eyes. Sarah and Max glanced at each other nervously, Phoenix looked like he wanted to press his face into the book for all eternity, May and Anne had stopped laughing, and even Winnie and Mary looked concerned.   
  
A few seconds of silence passed.   
  
"Hey, where's Billy?!" Phoenix elegantly redirected, and all attention shifted away from the tiny girl and onto Winnie. She blinked at the sudden change, then shrugged.   
  
"I think he said something about a workshop in his bed space," she said, "He was getting fidgety about the baby, rather annoying actually, so I suggested he find a hobby. He was a woodworker before he died, so I suppose he's setting up shop."   
  
"Well, I suppose it can't hurt anything," Phoenix mused, then jumped as his book began vibrating in his hands. Shutting it with a loud snap, he opened it to a random page and swiped his finger over the words to rearrange them. Glancing up, he shook his head.   
  
"Definitely not, Shego. Not going to rush something like that," he said to nobody, garnering some rather odd looks, "That has to be done in his own time."   
  
He continued, uncaring of everyone's odd looks, by pulling a party hat from nowhere, drawing it back by the elastic, and slingshotting it up into a high arc over Cloud. It plummeted back to the ground and cut through the solid water easily, poking Allison in the head and making her jump about a foot into the air.   
  
"Happy birthday!" Phoenix cheered as she sat up, rubbing the surprisingly sore spot where the cardboard hat hit, and turned his book into a cake.   
  
"Ooh, for me? Thanks!" she said happily, standing up to retrieve her pastry. The rest of the cast flocked to the table of food that appeared a moment later, and soon everyone was happily munching away on some treat or another.   
  
"Wasn't there something I was upset about?" Max wondered aloud.   
  
"No. Eat your food," Phoenix stated firmly, shoving a cookie in his mouth.


	20. Chapter 20

“Okay!” Phoenix screamed, causing several of the cast members to jump and Winnie to violently puke all over Billy, “I have something I’m curious about!”   
  
“No!” Max immediately came out with, just a tiny bit panicky, and ever the master of improvisation, Phoenix immediately turned to him with a pout.

“Aw, c’mon Max!” he cajoled, dissolving into smoke and reappearing behind the boy before he even had time to blink. Allison started snickering as Phoenix wrapped his arms around her boyfriend’s waist from behind and places his lips next to Max’s ear, sing-songing softly, “It’ll be  _ fuuuun _ ~”

“Noooooope!” Max cried desperately, face reddening as he shook his head, and then collapsed onto his back as Phoenix immediately released him.

“Oh alright then,” the host chirped cheerily, then walked back over to the middle of their ring of beds. “Now, back to the thing I was  _ actually _ talking about,” he said firmly, and Max blushed even harder as he realized his mistake. Snickering, Phoenix elected to merely continue.   
  
“Anyways, we received an interesting review on January 3rd,” he told everyone informatively, taking out a small disc and placing it on the ground before adding, “And by interesting I mean totally unintelligible to me.”

A hologram sprung up from the disc, a bold collection of letters pulling itself together.   
  
**_adrewfd mdfk mkfcf mcklfdv;dg mclf lcfdlgc; cmfkdvm mlcfdgf m xlfelf jessica momy cndkjddex jdekf ckjfdv jcfd vp 2 mxnkjdf ckdf cjmd vmkdrfkcv kxoefjecv kkfdkdfekrekfcvkdifc cikfgjmkfv jmkdns j ikdf jkixdfjsdv oxjfmkis jkckd_ **

**_cdcjnfjnf vcknfrb n jmfngjr njvgnrjg jdktjfgtefv v ofejore_ **

“Now, I have absolutely no idea whether or not these are actual words put through a cipher. To be honest, it looks like somebody just smashed their face into the keyboard,” he said conversationally, “But in the event that they actually  _ do  _ mean something, would whomever the anonymous reviewer that submitted them was please say something? Thanks.”

The words vanished, only to be replaced by the newest review.   
  
**_Oi! Don't hurt Thackery! Anyway..._ **

**_Truths:_ **

**_Thackery, Billy, Emily, and the sisters: How much do y'all know about the modern world as far as technology and pop culture go?_ **

**_Dares:_ **

**_Dani: Give Thackery the pictures back. The poor guy doesn't deserve to be tortured any more than he already has been!_ **

**_Max and Thackery: Y'all have to sing the reprise of "Watch What Happens" from the Broadway version of Newsies, with Thackery as Dave and Max as Jack. :3_ **

**_Sarah: You have to sing your favorite rock'n'roll or country song._ **

**_Phoenix: You have to refrain from hurting Thackery or the other cast members for the next few chapters!_ **

**_Hope you update this soon!_ **

“If he was good, he wouldn’t have to get punished,” Phoenix reprimanded, shooting a mild glare at the boy before slowly rolling his head to stare at the five standing slightly away from Thackery.   
  
“I’ve started looking at the advancements they’ve made in handicrafting,” Billy offered, and Phoenix smiled brightly.   
  
“Very good. The world could use more dedicated craftsmen. Everything’s mass-produced now, there’s no soul in it,” the host said disparagingly before shaking his head and eyeing Emily.   
  
“Um, well, nothing really,” she said apologetically, staring up at him with innocent eyes, and Phoenix stared a moment more before giving a small snort.   
  
“Right,” he drawled doubtfully before turning to the Sisters.   
  
“I learned about birth control  _ after  _ this little urchin took shape,” Winnie bit out, somehow making every word sound like a curse, and Mary gave a laugh.

“You could’ve asked me. There’s a commercial for one thing or another every five minutes,” she told her sister, and Winnie immediately shot her a murderous glare. The black-haired witch merely waggled a finger, tutting, “Ah ah ah, sister, stress isn’t good for growing babies.”   
  
The glare intensified.   
  
“I have the amalgamation of the Encyclopaedia Britannica encased in my brain, and so am aware of everything this modern time has to offer,” Sarah said primly, turning her nose up at the question, but Phoenix only rolled his eyes.   
  
“What’s a brony?” he deadpanned, and Sarah blinked in confusion. He gave her a wry smirk and a dry, “Exactly,” before moving on.   
  
“If he was good, maybe he wouldn’t have to be punished,” Dani parroted before the host could prompt her, giving the formerly dead boy a teasing grin. Said boy could only bury his face in his hands with a low groan.   
  
Shaking his head and giving a chuckle, Phoenix glanced back at the list before whirling around and pointing at Max dramatically. “ _ You _ are now a paperboy,” he began, then whirled back around to point at a surprised Thackery and yell, “And  _ you _ are now a paperboy! Sing a duet!”   
  
Thackery and Max started to protest, but before they could even be forced onstage, Winnie’s voice cut in above everything else with a resounding, “No!”   
  
Everyone very nearly snapped their necks to stare at her in shock, even Billy. She was glaring from her bed, and though she was laying down she was no less fearsome for it. “No!” she repeated in firm anger, “I have a headache from all this noise! Singing is NOT going to happen!”

“Oh, well, alright then,” Phoenix said at once, all-at-once quite serious, and everyone promptly vanished. The host pulled a remote from his pocket and handed it to the surprised red-haired witch, pointing out the buttons as he listed them.   
  
“These are for the brightness of the sun, this one plays soothing music, this one makes a shelf of recommended books appear, and this one makes a tea set materialize on your bedside table,” he said, then added, “Oh, and the red one calls me back, so let me know if you need anything else.”

Winnie blinked, then narrowed her eyes as if her were plotting something and opined cautiously, “You’re being suspiciously nice.”

Normally, of course, this would be a safe assumption to make, but in this particular instance he merely shrugged.  
  
“You’re pregnant. It has some perks,” he pointed out, then gave a cheery wave and vanished.  
  
Once he appeared on the deserted midway he had sent the cast to, he made a point to find Thackery, give him a solid thump on the back of the head, and stare intently at an empty patch of air for a solid ten seconds. Very slowly, so as not to be misunderstood, he gave a clear, “Never going to happen,” then grinned and went to enjoy the fun.

Thackery was slightly terrified and immensely confused.


End file.
